Gonzales at your service

For President and Pal, Defining Moments

By Rick Horowitz

In a big white house, not so long ago...

"Thanks for waiting, Mr. President. Dr. Gonzales will see you now."

"Appreciate the kindness. Where do I -- Alberto! Great to see you! Thanks for fitting me in on such short notice!"

"You know I'm always available to you, Mr. President. Always."

"I know you are, Alberto -- that why we're such good friends. That, and your inspiring personal story, of course."

"I don't know what to say, Mr. President. Why don't we just scoot you up here on the examining table -- now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's my weight, Alberto. With these knees the past few months, I haven't been able to run as much as usual, so it's really hard to keep the weight off. I need your help. Again."

"To lose weight without as much exercise, you mean."

"I guess."

"Or with different kinds of exercise."

"I guess."

"Let's see: I know you've been giving lots of speeches all over the place lately -- asbestos lawsuits, class actions, damage caps..."

"Gotta get started on stuff -- I don't have much time before they start calling me a lame duck."

"You're giving probably three, four hours of speeches a week?"

"At least."

"Well, what if we called those speeches exercise?"

"Come again?"

"What if, under the definition of 'exercise' in the White House health manual, we included 'speeches'? That way, you give all the speeches you need to give, only now you'll also get credit for them as exercise."

"You can do that?"

"If the president's doctor says speeches are exercise, then speeches are exercise."

"Great! How about meetings? I've got more meetings than I know what to do with."

"Well, we could probably say that certain kinds of meetings are exercise, too -- meetings that 'promote the nation's well-being,' for instance."

"That'd cover a whole bunch of 'em, wouldn't it?"

"As many as you'd like, Mr. President. Anyway, I'm sure some of the time you spend in meetings is time you'd much rather be spending on exercise, so it wouldn't be that big a stretch to define it as exercise in the first place. I could just put it in a memo."

"Alberto, you're amazing -- I feel thinner already!"

"Just trying to be helpful, Mr. President. I'm always here to be helpful to you."

"Don't I know it! How about food?"

"What about it?"

"Well, now that we've got my exercise covered, I guess we oughta do something about my diet. What if -- I'm just asking, you understand -- what if we could make it so everything I eat helps me lose weight?"

"You want me to put you on a low-calorie diet? Or low carbs? I can certainly -- "

"No, no, no -- I don't want you to 'put' me anything. But what if you did a memo that said, you know, 'All the president's meals are low in calories." Then I could eat whatever I wanted to eat and still not get into trouble. Couldn't you do that?"

"If that's what you want, Mr. President. Whatever you want."

"Alberto, you're my man! I don't know how to -- wait, yes I do! How about a promotion?"

"Oh, sir, you don't have to -- "

"No, I want to! How about instead of being my personal go-to guy, you can work for the whole country? I'll appoint you -- let's see -- I'll appoint you Enabler General of the United States!"

"Mr. President, I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say a word! You're exactly what this country needs, Alberto -- someone who can always find a way to get things done. If it weren't for you, some of my decisions around here could have been really hard, but...but..."

"But why torture yourself?"

"Exactly!"

Posted 1/11/05. For award-winning commentary, click to "Rick's" -- and tell your friends!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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