Keeping things cool

MORE good stuff

Looking for the hits you missed? Try Recent Rick for tons o' fun.

VINTAGE rick

Before there was Linda Chavez, there was Zoe Baird. It's time to wax poetic in this Vintage Rick!

NEW seasonal fave

They wanted a quiet getaway -- but not that quiet! (There's a reason they call it the off-season.) Get all the details in this Seasonal Fave!

Let's make a deal

It's a Fine, Fine Line

By Rick Horowitz

The following statement was issued today by the Sundance Kid:

This morning I signed a consent order that brings to an end the various investigations and legal proceedings that have been initiated against me over the past several years by the office of independent sheriff.

I have accepted a five-year suspension of my pistol permit, have agreed to pay a $25,000 fine to cover sheriff's fees -- not that he was ever able to get the goods on me, for all the money he spent -- and have acknowledged a technical violation of the Wild West Model Rules of Professional Desperado Conduct.

As a result of these measures, taken voluntarily on my part, all legal actions now pending or threatened against me will be dropped, and I will be permitted to enter the next phase of my life with a clean slate.

I have taken every step within my power to put this matter behind me in a fair and equitable manner. I have already apologized to bank officials whose establishments were visited over the years by Butch Cassidy and me, and by other members of the Hole-in-the-Wall Gang, and I have expressed my regret for any inconvenience our actions may have caused the banks themselves, or the banks' employees and customers.

I have offered similar apologies and expressions of regret to officials of the various railroads whose trains we occasionally encountered in the course of our activities, and in particular to officials, employees and passengers of the Union Pacific Railroad, whose trains -- and safes -- happened to be the Hole-in-the-Wall Gang's special favorites.

In this consent order, I acknowledge having knowingly violated the Golden Rule, with its admonition to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." While no one can dispute that certain people have been trying to "do unto me" big-time from the moment I first moved into these parts, and while others who have engaged in actions similar to mine have suffered penalties far less severe, I understand that each of us is ultimately responsible for his own behavior, no matter how trivial it might be in the greater scheme of things.

I have had occasion frequently to reflect on our many Union Pacific jobs, as well as the numerous other jobs Butch and I pulled during our careers. I tried to walk a fine line between acting lawfully and grabbing all the loot I could get my hands on, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal, and that certain of my actions crossed the line.

I didn't recognize these things sooner because it's hard to reflect while you're hightailing it out of town just ahead of a posse.

But now that I've been given this chance to reflect, with the independent sheriff and the posse camped right outside my door and prepared to make my life a living hell, I'm able to recognize all sorts of things I couldn't recognize before.

I have paid a high price for my conduct, which I accept, because it caused so much pain to so many, even if the vast majority of people know that this whole thing was a setup from start to finish. And I have tried my best to atone for my conduct, with my family and with all those decent and hardworking folk who may have suffered because of what I've done. As I return to Rancho Chappaqua and the life of an ordinary citizen, I hope my actions today will help bring closure and finality to these matters.

My lawyer will be appearing shortly to explain that I haven't admitted to "robbery."

Posted 1/23/01. You'll find award-winning satire right here twice every week! (And that's no crime.)


Send Rick a note!Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

Google
Search the Web Search Rick's!
Click for more hijinks and mayhem!

©2000 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.

 

Napkin, from the movie Casablanca

 This fan keeps the hot air moving around

Napkin, from the movie Casablanca

Cluck! Cluck!