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Excuses, excuses! For Want of a Butt PadBy Rick Horowitz
The Super Bowl sucks -- all the oxygen out of the room, that is. It's pretty much impossible for any other sports story (or any other story story, for that matter) to grab anyone's attention during the hype- and hoopla-heavy days leading up to: THE GAME. But I hadn't figured on the latest newsletter from my high school's alumni association, with the gripping news about our football team. "Ryan Miller felt a hand on his behind," the article began, "midway through the second quarter against Columbus. It was the ref." That caught my eye, I'll admit it. Reading the sports news in my alumni-association newsletter isn't normally my highest priority, and most of the time, that makes perfect sense. My high school isn't exactly known for its athletic prowess. (You go to a school whose teams are called the "Peglegs," you've got to figure it's not going to be known for its athletic prowess. "Go, Peglegs!"? Where? And how fast?) I think they used to have a really good fencing team. Anyway: If it hadn't been for those first two sentences, I probably would have tossed the thing aside. Instead, I was intrigued. I kept reading. "Miller was flagged for 'illegal participation' because he was not wearing his butt pad. The Peglegs were penalized 15 yards and were forced to punt. They would never regain their rhythm." I hadn't realized there even was such a thing as a penalty for "illegal participation." I mean, if some 28-year-old NFL star had decided to slip into town, slip into uniform and run over a bunch of high-school kids just for grins, that would be "illegal participation." But not wearing a butt pad? I'd call it "failure to accessorize" -- five yards, max. To be perfectly honest, I also hadn't realized there was such a thing as a butt pad. Having never played varsity football myself, and having always been blessed with a naturally well-padded butt... Where were we? Right. The Peglegs, victims of selective law enforcement and stripped of momentum. But there was more injustice to come. "Questionable officiating played a major role in this game," the article insisted. "In addition to the illegal-participation penalty on Miller, Chris Moore was called for defensive pass interference on a 'Hail Mary' pass late in the first half, which appeared to have been cleanly swatted away by Moore." That makes two bad calls. You can just imagine the damage they must have done, two bad calls in crucial situations in a tightly fought contest where any little thing could -- Did I mention that the final score was 37-6? Not exactly a nail-biter. Not exactly the kind of game where you can point to one or two key moments and say they tipped the balance. Actually, you can: The two key moments were when our guys came out of the locker room, and when their guys came out of the locker room. Or so the article finally got around to admitting in its very last sentence. "There was also a great difference in sheer athletic ability between these two teams, as Columbus players were generally bigger and faster than their Pegleg counterparts." Which makes 37-6 sound just about right, lousy refs or no lousy refs, don't you think? If the team still wants to be called "Peglegs," that's their decision. But we definitely need a new name for the alumni. "Go, Whiners!" Posted 1/25/01. You'll
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Rick Horowitz