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Bush, bashed It Was Here a Minute AgoBy Rick Horowitz
"Rrrrinnngg! Rrrrinn -- " "Blue Chip Shippers, 'You'll Flip for Our Shipping.' This is Ray. What's up?" "Yeah, put me through to Customer Complaints, OK?" "I can handle that for you. What's the problem?" "It's my aura." "Your what?" "My aura. My aura of inevitability. It's ruined! You guys shipped it for me, and you were supposed to get it down here in good shape, and I just got a look at it, and it's punctured!" "Hang on a minute. Let me get my -- " "An aura of inevitability is totally worthless if it's punctured!" "Hang on a minute! I'll have to call it up on the computer. Name?" "Bush. George W. Bush." "No kidding? You're George and Barbara's boy? I thought I recognized -- " "Don't call me boy." "I just meant that your mom and dad are -- " "Don't ever call me boy. I'm fully prepared." "Got it. Didn't mean any disrespect. OK...I've got your file here. I don't see anything about any auras. Are you sure you -- " "It was inside something else. A war chest." "A war chest...yeah, I see that here. It's a big one, too, isn't it?" "Never been a bigger one." "See, now if your aura was rattling around inside that big war chest, I can understand how it might have gotten -- " "My aura wasn't rattling around -- there was 60 million dollars of cushioning in there! That's how I got the aura in the first place, only now it's all dented! How am I supposed to -- " "I thought you said it was punctured." "Punctured, dented -- what difference does it make! It's messed up!" "Let me just look a sec at the -- well, here you go. It says here you were shipping your...your..." "My aura." "Whatever. You were shipping it from Iowa to South Carolina." "Right." "But it also says you insisted on a stopover in New Hampshire. You add an intermediate stop like that, we can't be responsible for damages. And especially New Hampshire -- they're famous for banging things around." "Thanks for warning me." "Hey, we do whatever the customer asks us to do. You wanted your aura in New Hampshire, we sent it to New Hampshire. Anyway, it's not that big a deal. You're in South Carolina now, right?" "So?" "So they couldn't care less in South Carolina about dents or punctures or whatever you've got. Tell you what you do -- you find yourself one of those aura-repair shops they've got all over the place down there, get 'em to slap a couple coats of nice Carolina varnish on that thing, nobody'll know the difference." "You sure?" "It worked for your dad a while back, didn't it? Boy, I'll tell you, I -- " "Don't call me boy!!" Posted 2/3/00. Fresh
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Rick Horowitz