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Make it Lean. (Which Way?)By Rick Horowitz
"There's no way in the world anybody -- a family, a business, this government -- can plan that way, that well, over that long a period of time." Donald Rumsfeld, explaining why the administration's new budget lacks certain key numbers. Just sitting around the kitchen table, same as every year about this time. What Daddy likes to do, once the dishes are cleared and we're all of us back in our seats, he likes to give the whole thing a little fanfare like we're the King of England or something. (Momma tells us just humor him.) "Ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I present to you the family budget!" After which we always applaud (except for Lil' Sweetpea, who always screams "Dead on arrival!" which she heard on "Crossfire" that one time) and then Daddy drops a whole pile of paper on the table with a big "ka-thunk." Even if you happened to be out of the kitchen, you'd still know it's family budget time from the big "ka-thunk" on the table. Daddy, he likes ceremonies. The rest of us, we just want to know what's what. "What I'm proposing today," Daddy announces, "is a lean budget. A budget that makes the tough choices. A budget that will grow the family economy. A budget -- " " -- that leaves out lunches." That would be Cousin Ernest, who took the speed-reading course down at the junior college summer before last. He's already pages ahead of the rest of us. "Your budget here" -- and Cousin Ernest points to the exact spot where something ought to be, only it isn't -- "doesn't include any spending on lunches. What's that about?" Daddy, he clears his throat, and he shuffles through his papers for a second. He figured we'd have questions. He just didn't figure they'd start so quick. "We don't include lunches in this budget," Daddy finally says, "because this is a household budget, and lots of you eat your lunches outside the household." I'm thinking how the bread for the sandwiches comes right from the pantry, not to mention the meat coming right from the refrigerator, which are both in the household any way you look at it, even if the actual eating happens somewhere else. Daddy, he sees it different. "That's a substantial savings right there," Daddy says. You can tell he's really proud. Next thing Daddy starts talking about is the security system -- he wants to spend even more on it next year than he's already spent, and he's already spent a bundle. Cousin Ernest is ready. "How're you gonna find the money for this giant security system of yours and still cut the deficit down by half?" He's talking about the family deficit, which Daddy last year promised us he'd get to half its size by 2009. Cousin Ernest can't see how. "Security is the most important thing we have," Daddy says. "That's how." Which doesn't strike me as an answer exactly, but Cousin Ernest is already on to something else. "And this 'home exercise center' you want to build? I don't see any price tag on that." Daddy, he explains how the home exercise center will help us all get 'lean,' which Lord knows we can use, but he also says it doesn't really have a price tag, because when we get healthier from the exercise we won't have as many medical bills. So if you think about it, Daddy says, the exercise center actually (makes money. Likewise rebuilding the front porch, and putting on a new roof -- they increase the value of the house. So since eventually we'll make the money back, he says, instead of counting the repairs as spending, we won't count them as anything. "Daddy, what about your trips?" That's my voice. (I even surprise myself sometimes!) Daddy, he likes to take a couple of foreign trips every year, and they don't come cheap. I may not read as fast as Cousin Ernest, but I don't see anything in the budget about next year's trips. Daddy, he looks at me like my hat has giant birds coming out the top of it. "Do I know how much a trip I haven't even taken yet will cost?" Daddy asks me. "Do I know how many weeks I'll be there, or which side trips I'll decide to take? Do I know what the airfare will be, or how much the gas will cost for the rental car, or anything?" I'm thinking maybe he does know, or he has a pretty good idea anyway, even if it's not right to the penny. Daddy, he sees it different. Numbers that big and that foggy, he says, there's only one responsible thing to do when you're putting a family budget together. "Ignore 'em." Daddy, he ought to run for office. Posted 2/8/05. Rick,
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Rick Horowitz
