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By the French, fried Vive la Boycott?By Rick Horowitz
"...folks. If you'll all just find a seat -- I know it's kinda crowded -- if you'll all just find a seat, we can get started, and then we can get you all home in time to put the kids to bed, OK?" "That's tellin' 'em, Ernie -- throw your gavel at 'em!" "Isn't any need to throw anything, Martin. We're trying to keep things civil. Anyway, there'll be plenty of chances to get good and riled up soon enough. OK, folks -- I call to order this emergency meeting of the French Bump town council. Because of the seriousness of the occasion, I say we dispense with the minutes of the last meeting -- " "Second!" " -- and move right on to new business. Thanks, Harv. Anyway, I understand Sally's got a resolution for us. Sally?" "Thank you, Ernie. We're still working on the exact wording, but what we've basically come up with is we want to show our support for America during this crisis with Iraq, and also that we're going to stand up to our enemies. So we're proposing a boycott." "Of Iraq?" "Of France. For being such a pain in the rear all the time. We thought about making it France and Germany, but we figured we'd keep it simple for now." "And when you say a boycott of France..." "We don't just mean France the country, but French things, too. We want to show how burned up we are at the way France is always trying to keep us from doing what we want to do in the world." "What we need to do!" "Exactly. So from now on, nobody in town buys any French wine, nobody buys any French cheese. We want to hit 'em where they live!" "Uh, Ernie?" "What is it, Roy?" "Well, it's just that lots of my inventory down at the store is tied up in French wine. And French cheese. If you do a boycott, I really get clobbered." "Any suggestions to help Roy out? Donald?" "How about French string beans instead? I'll bet nobody's got too much of their inventory tied up in French string beans." "Good thinking, Donald -- a string-bean boycott. Sally, you OK with that?" "Sure. And how about French fries, too? We could really show 'em we mean business if we boycotted French fries -- " "I love French fries! I live on burgers and French fries!" " -- except when they're part of a combo meal. Anything else? French bread? French cuffs? French horns?" "All of 'em! Boycott all of 'em!" "USA!! USA!!" "Hold on a minute!" "What is it, Warren?" "I think we're overlooking something. We're so close to it, we didn't even notice it." "What's that, Warren?" "Our name. How can we go around boycotting all these French things, and still call ourselves French Bump? Shouldn't we change our name, at least till this whole thing blows over?" "Makes sense. But change it to what?" "Well, I figure we'd want something good and strong, something that shows we won't be pushed around by any rinky-dink country with a fancy accent and a hoity-toity attitude. Something that says we're gonna speak our mind, and if anybody's feelings get hurt, that's too darned bad!" "And so you're suggesting..." "What else? Rumsfield!" Posted 2/18/03. Resolved:
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Rick Horowitz
