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He's got answers These People Need Help! (So Why are They Asking Him?)By Rick Horowitz Dear Dr. Diplomacy: I find myself in rather a bad way at the moment. For several years now, I have been in a perfectly enchanting relationship with "Great Smitten" (not her real name). But recently -- quite without intending it, I assure you -- I embarked upon a course that has thrown that relationship into the deepest peril. Discretion prevents citing chapter and verse in such a public forum; suffice it to say that I've been increasingly drawn under the spell of an old acquaintance I'll call "Uncle Sam." I truly believe that both these relationships are vital to my well-being. I fear, however, that I shall soon have to choose between them. Any advice? Desperate in Downing Street Dear Desperate: Wake up and smell the tea bags! You can't expect your main squeeze to sit there contentedly while you cozy up to someone else, no matter how convincingly you feel you can argue your need for both of them. Either put your relationship with "Sam" on the back burner, or prepare to be scorched. Dear Dr. Diplomacy: Two points. First, democracy is a beautiful thing -- people want to go march in the streets and express their opinions, that's fine with me. Second, some people don't view certain other people as a risk to peace. I respectfully disagree. Anything wrong with that? Top Gun Dear Gun: There's nothing wrong with respectfully disagreeing, especially about crucial issues like war and peace. One bit of advice, though: Try not to curl your lip so much when you say "respectfully." My Dear M. Diplomacy: I am, how you say, besides myself with the anger. I am the leader of the most important, the most creative, the most civilized nation in all of the world. People everywhere look to la France for inspiration -- am I nonetheless obliged to face opposition from trifling lands whose people were badly brought up? Do they not understand who we are? Shocked Jacques Dear Shocked: Sorry -- were you saying something? Dear Dr. Diplomacy: I am currently preparing my country for the mother of all invasions. In the meanwhile, I am also doing everything I can to make divisions in the ranks of my adversaries. If I can provoke them, through conciliatory words and ambiguous deeds, constantly to bicker with one another about my intentions, they will eventually turn away from their murderous course and my survival will be assured one more time. Am I not a cagey devil? Bold in Baghdad Dear Bold: Yes. And yes again. Dear Dr. Diplomacy: Who asked you to stick your nose into other people's business? You think you're such a hotshot -- I've got hair gel with more sense than you! Ooh, did I hurt your widdle feewings? Tough bananas! What do you think about that, Dr. Sheep Dip? Pentagon Don Dear Don: I think you should stick a sock in it. You may not be cut out for the diplomatic life -- have you considered a career in professional wrestling? Dear Dr. Diplomacy: Talk to me don't come any closer. I will destroy you I am not joking, try me if you don't believe it. When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide and I stop and I turn and I go for a ride and I get to the bottom and I see you again. Treat me with respect or you burn in a sea of fire can't we be friends? Your Secret Admirer Dear Secret: So tell me, how are things in North Korea these days? Posted 2/20/03. Get
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Rick Horowitz
