|
At the Ballpark: No More Supersizing?By Rick Horowitz
"...tonight, and even colder tomorrow. It looks like winter's not through with us yet, Steve." "I guess not, Miranda -- we'll keep those extra sweaters around for a while yet! Thanks for the update. Michele?" "Steve, it may be winter here at home, but down in Arizona, where our guys are getting ready for the start of the baseball season, it's a totally different story -- sunny and warm. But 'Home Plate' Harv's got another kind of difference on his mind: Is it just his imagination, or are today's big-leaguers not quite so big anymore? Harv?" "Michele, you're right -- it's another beautiful day in the desert! We're right alongside the first-base dugout, and we're joined by a familiar face to all you folks back home. Welcome, Skip -- thanks for talking to us." "Good to be here, Harv. Isn't anything nicer than seeing the whole squad out on the field for the first time." "I know what you mean, Skip. And you've got most of your guys back from last year, plus a couple of really exciting pick-ups during the off-season. But what I want to know is this: Do the guys look...smaller to you?" "Well, we're going in a different direction this season -- a little more speed, a little more defense..." "A lot less muscle." "I don't know what you're -- " "I'm talking about Swatter, and Whammy, and Sluggo, and some of the other guys, too. The last few years, they've been these absolutely enormous physical specimens, muscles out to here..." "'The Incredible Bulks.' Was that yours? I kinda liked that one." "Exactly. And now, all of a sudden, it looks like somebody left them in the dryer too long! Does it make you suspicious?" "Suspicious?" "About steroids." "Never. No way. Not any of our -- " "A new drug program going into effect? More random tests? Longer suspensions? And all of a sudden, some of your biggest guys show up looking almost like normal human beings?" "Salads." "Excuse me?" "I know a few of the guys ate salads all winter -- you know, to slim down a little. Nothing wrong with salads, is there?" "I guess that depends on the 'dressing.' Now, did -- " "That's all it was -- salads. A little weight redistribution." "From their eyebrows?" "These guys are professional athletes, Harv. If they decide they want to lose a couple of pounds off their eyebrows, or their hat size, or anywhere else, they're the ones that can do it. They're very disciplined." "So you never had any reason the last few years to think any of your guys might have been juiced?" "Reasons? You mean like syringes and stuff? I never saw any syringes. Never." "Well, how about -- " "Just in the trash. And they were empty, every one of them. For all I know, they were lemonade!" "And Sluggo hitting all those 700-foot homers, for instance? That didn't strike you as peculiar?" "Sluggo takes tremendous care of his body." "Sluggo is 63." "See what I mean?" Posted 2/24/05. Looking
for muscular prose that's totally natural? "Rick's" is the place --
spread the word!
|
  |
Rick Horowitz
