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Breaking news, shaking news...

Nobody Else's Newscast

By Rick Horowitz

It's 10 o'clock -- do you know where your headlines are? They're right here!

* Cleanup efforts are underway in Seattle after an earthquake that measured 6.8 on the Richter scale. Damage estimates run into the billions, city officials say. On the other hand, the Starbucks Corp. says it's finally found a way to mass-produce Mocha Frappuccino.

* In the Seattle suburb of Redmond, Wash., meanwhile, Microsoft's Bill Gates blamed federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson for the quake. Said Mr. Gates, "I know he wants to break us up, but this is ridiculous!" Gates also announced that the upcoming version of the Windows operating system will now include a personal-seismograph program, Microsoft Temblor.

* Turning to politics: President Bush continued to stress bipartisanship today in making the case for his new budget proposal. Speaking to reporters this afternoon, the president said that his $1.6 trillion tax cut "will benefit Republican and Democratic millionaires."

* The latest inspection of "undervotes" from Miami-Dade County suggests that George Bush would have defeated Al Gore even if Mr. Gore had gotten the recount he was seeking last November -- and the new president admits he's gratified by the news. Said Mr. Bush, "I guess this finally makes me the totally legitimate president of all 47 states."

* President Bush also announced today that he did not put Vice President Dick Cheney in charge of something.

* Senior presidential advisor Karl Rove today denied reports that he's on the short list of candidates to succeed John Paul II as the next Pope. Rove says he has no interest in a demotion.

* As the fallout continues from the arrest of senior FBI official and suspected spy Robert Hanssen, former president Bill Clinton expressed regrets today that Hanssen's alleged espionage went undetected for so long. Said Mr. Clinton this afternoon, "If only he'd been caught a few weeks earlier, I could have pardoned him."

* Controversy makes strange bedfellows. In an unexpected show of bipartisan reconciliation, Florida's Republican Secretary of State Katherine Harris and wealthy Democratic donor Denise Rich have agreed to kiss and make up. And make up. And make up....

* Back in Washington, meanwhile, Democrats continue to wrestle with how to get the benefits of the former president's legacy without all the baggage. Here's the latest attempt: Democratic National Committee officials announced today that a previously scheduled major fundraising dinner will now be called "A Tribute to What's-His-Name."

* Speaking of Democrats: Former Vice President Al Gore held a news conference at his Arlington, Va., home this morning to declare that he was "still alive." Reporters on hand were unable to determine what he meant by "still."

* A coalition of environmental groups has announced an immediate, all-out effort to defeat the Bush Administration's plans to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. The new campaign will be called "ANWaR: Stat."

* A little news from the world of science: Now that frozen human embryos stored in laboratories are being made available for adoption, some states are taking steps to protect the public from potential problems. Illinois health officials, for instance, announced today that they've begun defrosting and destroying any embryos named "Rodham."

* In sports, NBC executives insisted today that they're committed to their full schedule of XFL telecasts despite sharply declining ratings. According to network research, they say, "Both of our viewers really like it."

* And finally, California's energy crisis continues to take its toll on the entertainment industry. Spokesmen for NBC, ABC, and Fox networks all say that rolling blackouts have disrupted their production schedules. By contrast, CBS insists it hasn't been affected at all. Explains a CBS official, "Our shows don't have any energy in the first place."

That's news, and that's it.

Posted 3/1/01. Stay on top of things right here at "Rick's." (Your friends will be so impressed.)

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

This fan keeps the hot air moving around