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So magnanimous! First It's a Sharp Stick, Then It's an Olive BranchBy Rick Horowitz "...no other way to describe it, my friends: We've won a tremendous victory here this evening! Yes we have! Yes we have! "And I'm just so grateful to all of you who've worked so hard for all these months to make it happen, who've worked so hard to bring us to the threshold of this nomination and to put us on the road to victory in November! And that's exactly what we're gonna do! We're gonna win! "Now, let me -- thank you, this is great, isn't it? -- let me take a minute here to pay tribute to my worthy opponent in this primary campaign. Just a few minutes ago, I received a very gracious phone call congratulating us on our triumph tonight. Actually, it was kind of hard to hear him with all the sobbing in the background there, but I'm pretty sure that's what he was saying. "Anyway, we had a very nice chat, the part I could make out, and I congratulated him and his lovely wife, too, for the race they've run. And we agreed that when things calm down just a little, we'd try to get together for a face-to-face conversation. "He's a good man, my opponent. He's a good man! And I want all of you to know just how impressed I've been with the campaign he's run. It's been a dignified campaign -- he's conducted himself like a gentleman all the way through. And I'll tell you, if there's one thing I love to see when I'm a candidate, it's an opponent who's committed to running a dignified campaign! "He understood something that most people just don't get, that it's not just about winning and losing. Which is why I'm standing here tonight with confetti in my hair, and he's in some hotel room somewhere making phone calls. So let's give him a big, dignified round of applause, OK? That's right. That's right. "And you know, it's not just the way my opponent conducted himself on the campaign trail that so impressed me, but also the issues he raised, issues that are now near and dear to my heart, too. Glove control, universal hedge care, campaign-romance reform -- the passion and commitment my opponent brought to these issues has moved me in a way I can barely put into words, except maybe to say, 'I want more votes.' "In fact, to those of you who supported my opponent, let me make this commitment to you tonight, that I will take every one of these issues as my own, and I will push these issues every bit as hard in the general election as I trashed them during the primaries! I promise you that! "Now, I know that during the heat of battle, some things get said on both sides. When I mentioned, for instance, that my opponent was 'a lowlife impostor with a secret agenda that would condemn America's families to the darkest circles of hell,' I didn't mean anything personal -- it was just something I knew would work. Just like when I said that my opponent enjoyed throwing poor people off his roof to see how high they'd bounce -- I certainly didn't mean it literally, and anyway, that shouldn't obscure the many important things we agreed about. "In fact, I'd say we probably agree on most things, even if I did spend the entire campaign blasting him to smithereens every chance I got. And that's why I'm so confident tonight that my opponent's supporters will decide to join our great crusade as we get ready for the battle ahead. "We need to put the bitterness and the petty divisions behind us as we prepare to take on the other party's nominee, a man of so little character, a man so shameful in his behavior and so beholden to the most sinister forces in society today that he shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the Oval Office except in handcuffs and leg irons! "And if can we do that from now until November -- if we can put aside our little squabbles of these past few months and move together to beat this dangerous sleazebag, this totally disgusting excuse for a human being, into a bloody pulp -- then I know exactly what we can accomplish: "We can have me standing here on Election Night telling you what a worthy opponent he was!" Posted 3/9/00. You'll
always have a home at "Rick's" -- and we mean that sincerely.
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Rick Horowitz