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Terror tourney Bad SeedsBy Rick Horowitz Click. " -- and welcome to our little overture to the Big Dance. I'm your host, Don Rumsfeld, and I'm joined again this year by the Bard of the Brackets, the Sultan of Seed, Mr. Dick Cheney!" "Hey, Bay-Bee! Man oh man, do we ever have ourselves a tournament this year! You know, Don, with the Afghan campaign almost done, everybody's wondering, 'What happens now?'" "Absolutely, Dick, and we're here to try to shed some light on that all-important subject. The president has made it clear that the war against terrorism doesn't end in Afghanistan. But as we look ahead to Phase Two, the question on everyone's lips -- " " -- and in everyone's office pool -- " " -- is, 'Who's next?' Well, we've got a bumper crop of baddies to consider, and Dick will help us separate the contenders from the pretenders. So tell me, who makes it into the Hateful Eight?" "Hey, we're talking mega-depth! You've got programs all over the world, everything falls into place, they could be looking at major U.S. action against them." "And that's with or without our coalition partners." "Whatever it takes, Bay-Bee! So let me start you out with a couple of long shots -- I think they make it in, but I don't know how much further they go. Here's the University of Yemen, relatively small program out of the Mideast Conference." "Always a tough one." "You said it! For the Fighting Camels, this would be their first time to the Big Dance, they'll be ecstatic just to be there -- but they're not gonna be snipping the nets when it's all over. I make 'em a No. 8 seed, tops." "Nothing to be ashamed of." "And Georgia's in the same boat. They're one of those old Soviet republics, they know how to run the transition game, and they've been attracting some attention lately. But push comes to shove? There's no way the prezzy's singing 'Georgia On My Mind.' He's got bigger fish to fry." "And one of them is Indonesia?" "Absolutely, Bay-Bee! They're not the biggest fish in the sea either, but the Golden Archies have really been pumping up their program. They're Pacific Rim, but they've been recruiting a bunch of kids from al-Qaeda, and those kids know no fear. They'll make some trouble, but they're probably a year or two away. Libya, too, with Khadafi. You can never rule out a Coach K team -- " "Or a Coach Q team. Or a Coach G team. Depending on how you decide to spell it." "See, that's how unpredictable the guy is! You may not hear from him for years, but when it comes to terrorism, nobody's been around the block like he has. I make him a No. 5." "And now it gets interesting." "Really interesting! I may kick myself, but I'm leaving Palestinian State out of the mix entirely, even with all the points they've been putting up lately. I just don't see us going in there with guns blazing -- unlike, say, Iran, which is why I've got the Flaming Fatwas at No. 4." "Iran's not a No. 3 seed? Even with the president including them in his 'axis of evil'?" "Hey, there's always gonna be controversies, Donnie. My head says Iran is a No. 3, but my gut keeps saying, 'Colombia.' The Poppies have a killer program -- best in the West, no question. How much longer can we ignore 'em?" "Which brings us to your final two..." "And one of 'em is North Korea -- the Splendid Noodles! Ten years ago, hardly anybody would've figured these guys for winners -- tiny program, nobody ever sees 'em play. But they just keep coming at you, and eventually you gotta pay attention. This could finally be their year." "But that's not how you're betting." "I'm betting Iraq, Bay-Bee! The rankings don't lie. You look at the Staches -- when they let you look at 'em! -- and you see a team on a mission. They hated losing to us back in '91, and they've been rebuilding their program ever since. They've just got too many weapons, they're willing to use 'em, and they're getting stronger all the time. That's a No. 1 in my book!" "You heard him, folks -- Dick says it's 'Bye Bye, Baghdad!' We'll see if he's right. But in the meantime: Will Condi Rice and Maddie Albright lace up the gloves? Stick arou --" Click. Posted 3/12/02. Rick
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Rick Horowitz
