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The latest nooz You Heard It First Right Here!By Rick Horowitz It's the top of the morning -- here's the top of the news: President Clinton has returned to Washington from a four-day, four-nation tour of Central America, where he offered financial aid to the victims of Hurricane Mitch, pledged to improve U.S. immigration policies and attempted to replenish his supply of Juanitas. Back at the White House, the President made clear that unless there's agreement on a peace plan for Kosovo by March 15th, he'll have no choice but to set another deadline. With negotiations over Kosovo's future apparently going nowhere, the Administration was reported today to be considering a compromise proposal: Bomb everyone. Fending off angry Republican attacks, the Administration denied again today that national security had been damaged by years of suspected Chinese spying at the nuclear lab at Los Alamos. Said Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, "What's the big deal? They already knew about Davy Crockett!" The President is reportedly still hoping to receive this year's Nobel Peace Prize for his conciliation efforts in Northern Ireland, the Middle East and elsewhere. In the meantime, Mr. Clinton has captured another honor: a Lifetime Achievement Award from the American Hotel Association. She's talked to Barbara Walters and her international book tour is rolling along, but that's just the start of the "Marketing of Monica." Among the other items being considered for the Lewinsky product line: "Monica & Bill" action figures, and a high-power stain remover called "I Can't Believe It's Not Guacamole!" And later this year, the former intern will be introducing a new line of nutritional supplements, including a high-fiber alternative to the popular Gingko Biloba. It'll be called "Thongs for the Memories." Up on Capitol Hill, new House Speaker Dennis Hastert today denied a Washington Post report that he's been raising campaign funds by putting the squeeze on lobbyists. The former high-school wrestling coach says he's just showing them a few of his favorite holds. Meanwhile, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle has been assuring nervous colleagues that when it comes to legislative matters, Congress can take President Clinton at his word. He just hasn't figured out which word. Praise continues to pour in for Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala, whose quick thinking prevented her from becoming a robbery victim last weekend in Georgetown. But police caution that throwing yourself on the ground and screaming for help may not work for everyone. For one thing, they say, Shalala is much closer to the ground than most people are. First Linda Tripp said she'd like to give Monica Lewinsky a hug. Now the pilot of the high-speed Marine Corps jet that sliced that gondola cable in the Italian Alps last year says he'd like to hug the relatives of the 20 victims. White House officials are apparently trying to broker a deal: They'd like a high-speed jet to hug Linda Tripp. A new personal record today for the "mailman's son," Ohio congressman and presidential hopeful John Kasich. Appearing at a Rotary Club luncheon in Iowa, Kasich answered a question in less than 15 minutes. The question was, "How are you?" Elsewhere on the campaign trail, a clarification from likely candidate Elizabeth Dole. Her latest press release, she says, should have read, "Bob and I can't wait for the next election." And finally, this just in from the Big Apple: Reacting to criticism from the New York Civil Liberties Union and other groups, Mayor Rudy Giuliani has backed away from plans to impound the cars of people arrested for drunken driving. Instead, the mayor says, the drivers will each be shot 19 times by New York City police. Explained Giuliani, "We're sticking with what we do best." That's it for now. When the news breaks, we pick up the pieces! Posted
3/12/99. You don't find this stuff on the other
networks!
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