How to win friends and...

Building Bridges, Snub by Snub

By Rick Horowitz

There is a special place where leaders are made. It sits amid rolling hills, behind stone walls and iron gates -- a modest ivy-covered building nestled deep in the woods. Few enter its portals. Fewer still stay the course and emerge from the experience ready to face the world in service to the nation. If we're especially well-behaved this morning, perhaps we might tiptoe into one of its cozy classrooms and watch the process at work. We refer, of course, to Mr. Dubya's Finishing School for Boys...

"OK, you dirtbags -- in your seats and listen up! Now!!"

"Oh yeah? You and what army?"

"How about me and this brick ? Here, catch."

"Hey, what's the big idea? That hurt!"

"And whining about it is going to help you how?"

"It...it won't help me at all."

"Then we understand each other. Now sit down and keep it buttoned for a while, OK? Anyway. Good morning, gentlemen -- and I use the term contemptuously -- and welcome back to Politics 22a, 'Contemporary Global Relations.' I trust I've cowed each of you into completing your homework for today -- who's the brave slimeball willing to get us started? You there, in the corner."

"Thank you, Mr. Rumsfeld. I -- "

"'Thank you, Mr. Rumsfeld'? Have I served on this distinguished faculty for the better part of three decades just so I can hear some young punk call me 'Mr. Rumsfeld'?"

"I meant...I meant 'Rumsfeld.' 'Thank you, Rumsfeld.'"

"Somebody want to rescue our friend here?"

"You don't want to say 'thank you' -- it's a sign of respect. You just say 'Rumsfeld.'"

"Or even better? Anyone?"

"'Rumsfeld, you flea'?"

"Not bad. No one will ever take you seriously if you come at them with all this namby-pamby politeness nonsense. You want to hit 'em between the eyes right from the get-go -- show 'em who's boss. So. Care to try it again? With a little more...diplomacy?"

"In your ear, tree fungus -- I'll talk when I'm good and ready!"

"Very nice! A round of catcalls for our newly emboldened colleague. There's still hope."

"Like I care what you think?"

"Now you're getting the hang of it! Anyway, your assignment for today: A crisis emerges in a critical corner of the world which threatens the security interests of the United States. The United States recognizes the need for swift and decisive action to resolve this crisis. The world community, as represented by the so-called United Nations so-called Security Council, hesitates to act. How do you respond? Yes?"

"You try to convince the world of the correctness of your position."

"And if the jerks still refuse to do anything?"

"You try harder? Maybe you explain to them how important this is to you, and that even though you respect their concerns, if you have to defend your country and your citizens, you're going to act, and you hope they'll understand."

"What's 'respect' got to do with it? And 'understanding'? Do they have to 'understand' us?"

"They just have to get out of our way."

"And that's because...?"

"We're the United States. We don't need anybody's permission."

"And...?"

"And if the U.N. isn't willing to help, we'll just find some other international body that will. If we put it that way, we can stick it to our enemies, and hang our friends out to dry, and even insult the U.N. itself -- it's like a trifecta!

"Very good. I think you're finally starting to live up to our motto here at Mr. Dubya's: 'Pugnacity in all things.' And in Latin? Anyone?"

"Who needs Latin? It's so Old Europe!"

"Excellent!!"

Posted 3/13/03. For commentary that goes to the head of the class, click on "Rick's" twice every week!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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