That man?!

Standing By Their Man

By Rick Horowitz

[The room is musty -- the people in the room, only slightly less so. Streaks of late-afternoon sun paint the long-faded walls. The floorboards abandoned any hope of horizontal decades ago.

This could be any place where people of a certain age gather to reminisce. It is, in fact, the annual meeting of the President James Buchanan Appreciation Society. We join the discussion already in progress...]

"It's not fair!"

"Thank you, Morton. I think you've made that point already."

"But it's not fair!"

"Several times, in fact. Thank you, Morton. Are there others who'd like to address the matter? Constance?"

"Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I agree with a lot of what has already been said -- this has been a particularly difficult time for all of us. It seems every time we turn around, somebody is taking another poke at President Buchanan."

"Long may he rest!"

"Exactly --'Long may he rest.' But it's not just this 'experience' business -- although I'll be the first to acknowledge that his resume looked a lot more impressive when he entered the White House than his record did when he left."

"Especially compared to The One Who Came Right After."

"Precisely. Which is why his name keeps being mentioned in this presidential campaign -- 'Experience isn't everything' and all that. But the greater danger, I'm afraid, comes from another direction entirely."

"Then get to the point, woman!"

"She's about to, Leland, if you'll only -- "

"My apologies, Mr. Chairman."

"Go ahead, Constance."

"Thank you, Mr. Chairman. The greatest threat to President Buchanan's place in his fellow citizens' hearts comes, not from the contest for our next president, but from the conduct of the current one."

"Number 43 threatening Old Number 15?"

"We won't stand for it!"

"We'll -- we'll consider doing something!"

"Just like Mr. Buchanan himself!"

"Gentlemen, if you'd let her finish..."

"Thank you, Mr. Chairman. My point, to put it bluntly, is this: James Buchanan is known for one thing and one thing only -- for being the worst president in the history of the United States. But now we've started hearing talk -- "

"No!"

"Only tentative talk, mind you, but more and more of it all the time. People are saying that George Bush may be the worst president in the history of the United States!"

"No!!"

"Yes! 'Worse than Buchanan' -- that's what they're saying, anyway. Especially now, with the economy doing...whatever it's doing, and our reputation in the world so damaged, and now this focus on the fifth anniversary of Iraq."

"The Civil War only took four!"

"Precisely their point. Plus he didn't even have to invade Iraq! They never -- "

"But it's apples and oranges!"

"Morton?"

"It's apples and oranges! James Buchanan only had one term to make his reputation as the worst president in history -- George Bush has had two! Besides, how can you possibly be considered the worst president when you were re-elected?"

"I guess you can fool some of the people all of the -- "

"Excuse me, Winston -- we never quote The One Who Came Right After."

"Sorry, Mr. Chairman."

"That's OK. We're all pretty worked up about this. Constance?"

"Here's what it comes down to, Mr. Chairman: If people ever stop thinking of James Buchanan as the worst president of the United States, they won't think of him at all!"

"And it'll all be George Bush's fault!"

"So what are you suggesting, Constance?"

"Well, Mr. Bush still has almost a year left -- maybe he can still turn things around."

"Do you think so?"

"We can always hope. That's all anyone can ever do."

"Mr. Buchanan would be so proud of you."

"Flatterer!"

"Who brought dinner?"

[We leave the discussion still in progress.]

Posted 3/19/08. For award-winning commentary, click to "Rick's"!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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