But who's counting?

A Man Has His Limits

By Rick Horowitz

The thing that's got Congressman Cipher really upset this morning is that he knows where he's going. He's striding purposefully through one of those skinny little tunnels that snake their way beneath the Capitol, and he's proud to realize he has a perfectly good idea of where he is and where he's likely to come out.

He's proud, but mostly he's upset -- can you blame him? He's finally learned his way around the place, and now they want to take it all away from him, all because of some promise he made when he wasn't even paying attention. Is that crazy, or what?

Congressman Cipher votes for crazy. Of course, Congressman Cipher also voted for term limits. That's the problem.

This would be Wally T. ("Flip") Cipher, highly groomed heir to the styling-gel millions, and minor toot in the Great Republican Wake-up Call of 1994. It seems like only yesterday that the Recruits of Newt were storming the barricades, promising to throw the bums out, promising not to become bums themselves.

The problem with Congress, the outsiders kept insisting, was all those insiders; they'd been there forever. They were out of touch and out of control. This new bunch would be different. Somewhere in that list of promises, in that whole "Contract With America" business, there was something about term limits. "Sign it," they said, and Wally Cipher signed it. He not only signed it, but he mentioned it during his campaign. And he made his own personal pledge: Three terms and out. Six years is plenty.

That was 1994. Next year is 2000. Congressman Cipher can do the math. But he doesn't want to do the math.

He wants to stay.

And he's not alone.

All over the Capitol, Congressman Cipher knows, desperate members are trying to wriggle off the hook. Some of them were giant-killers back in '94; that term-limits pledge was the key to knocking off some very big, very entrenched names. Now, though -- now they're having second thoughts.

"It wouldn't be fair to my constituents."

Congressman Cipher tries that one on for size; he's heard a few of his colleagues practicing the line in the cloakroom. What wouldn't be fair to their constituents, they say, isn't going back on the promises they made. What wouldn't be fair to their constituents, they say, is leaving Congress just when they've finally got the know-how and the seniority to make things happen, to get things done.

But isn't that the same thing all those incumbents were saying back in '94? The same thing incumbents always say? Congressman Cipher feels sweat beads swimming on his upper lip.

"I was kidding." No dice.

"I was kidding!"

Congressman Cipher knows a non-starter when he hears one. Just his luck -- somebody finally takes him seriously about something, and it has to be this. And it isn't just his own voters either; he could probably handle that. But there are actual term-limits lobbying groups out there, too. They've been keeping track of all those long-ago promises, and now they're taking out ads in members' districts to "remind" them that it's time to go.

As if Congressman Cipher needed reminding. He knows what he said. It's just that -- well, things look different now, now that he's on the inside. If only he could figure out a way to explain it to people, maybe they'd let him stick around a while longer. He furrows his brow and aches for inspiration.

"Inexperience is overrated?"

Posted 3/19/99. Vote for Rick!

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