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Hour after hour... Hey Oscar, Get a Move On!By Rick Horowitz Halle hysterical was highly historical. And Denzel gave Sidney a fine salute, didn't he? While Sissy and Judi and Russell and Tom all smiled and applauded and acted quite calm. Considering. Wasn't that a fantastic show? So much glamour and glory, so many tributes and spectacles, so many tears. (So many teeth!) And the whole glittery, jittery extravaganza didn't run a minute more than 13 hours. Sorry -- it only seemed like 13 hours. Actually, it was a mere 4 hours and 21 minutes. And every one of those minutes was special, yes indeed. Although some were slightly less special than others. Or did you really find yourself saying, "That's what this show needs -- a circus act!" Anyway: Cut. Print. It was swell. (It was swollen.) It's over. But there's trouble ahead. Or as Mr. Jolson liked to say, "You ain't heard nothing yet!" Truth be told, the problem hadn't even occurred to me. There we were on Oscar night, two film fans settled in for the duration on our specially designed Oscar-ready back-support pillow piles, when a sudden cloud passed over my cine-mate's face. "This is the 74th annual," she reminded me. "Next year is the 75th." Which is to say, if this year's ceremony, totally devoid of any great numerical significance, could run to such self-congratulatory lengths, what was going to happen next year, when there was a number worth celebrating? (Seventy-five years is -- what? Platinum? Botox?) This is, after all, an industry prone to occasional excess. Lunch on an ordinary Wednesday in October can be a production. How will they ever restrain themselves when they're faced with a genuine milestone? Answer? They won't. Not without some help, anyway. So I figured -- simply as a public service, mind you, and not because I'm angling for one of those special Humanitarian awards -- I'd try to come up with a few suggestions to keep next year's show from turning into a mini-series. And without sacrificing any of the good stuff. I'm kind of nervous about it, to be honest with you, which is why I've written my suggestions down on these two or three pieces of 8-1/2x11 paper which I'll be unfolding here in just a second, as soon as I can get my hands to stop shaking and -- Suggestion No. 1: No sheets of 8-1/2x11 paper. Just eliminating all that unfolding will knock at least 20 minutes off the show. Instead, try... Suggestion No. 2: Each winner gets one 5x7 index card -- or better yet, make it a 4x6. If they have less room to write their remarks, they'll spend less time reading them. That's another 15 minutes saved, easy. I realize older winners have lived longer lives. They've learned more lessons they might want to share with the rest of us, and they've met more people they might like to thank. Too bad -- rules are rules. Luckily, older people also have worse eyesight; if they want to read what they've written, they'll have to write larger, which means they'll have to leave some lessons -- and even some people -- out. Which leads to... Suggestion No. 3: Use the Headline News model -- it's cluttered, but it's quick. Make sure all the nominees in every category submit a list of all the people they want to thank if they happen to win, then throw the winner's list up there on the screen while the lucky someone is making his or her (suddenly much shorter) remarks. Oddly enough, most of the millions of people gazing at the stars on their special night don't particularly care who their lawyers or their agents are. Those who do can read it. The rest of us can get to bed at a decent hour. And then there's... Suggestion No. 4 (Beta): I'm still working out the details of this one, but do you really need to see the winner for Best Special Olfactory Effects take a grand ceremonial walk to the stage from somewhere in the middle of the 12th row? Wouldn't ejection seats save tons of time? "And the Oscar goes to...SPROINNNNG!" They fly through the air, they land, they speak, they leave. Which reminds me: Suggestion No. 5: No circus acts. Posted 3/26/02. Rick
would like to thank the members of the Online Academy, and especially
all his devoted readers, not to mention...
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Rick Horowitz
