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Oscar's best parts A Gland Night for HollywoodBy Rick Horowitz Talk about amazing! Talk about spectacular! Is there anything anywhere that compares to the Oscars? Of course not -- it's a night that's simply made for magic. Just think: Hundreds of millions of fans all over the planet glued to their TVs, while the entertainment industry's brightest stars and most creative minds gather together to pay tribute to that quintessentially American art form: Breasts. I mean, have you ever seen so many breasts in one place at one time in your entire life? Young breasts and seasoned breasts, pale breasts and tawny breasts, large breasts and -- larger breasts, all of them set gloriously, deliriously loose for the evening, reaching for the rafters, preening for the cameras, strolling two-by-two down Mammary Lane with but a single message: Hey, get a look at these! I should have expected it. "Healthy bodies are back," People magazine had announced in its pre-Oscar issue. "Curves are making a comeback in Hollywood." Not that they've ever been gone, not really, not among that multitude of pulchritude. Leave it to cleavage; it's always worked before. But there's more of it now -- at least I think there's more of it now. (Is that what they mean by the National Endowment?) If you ask me, this whole award-show breast-display thing has gone absolutely -- well, over the top. Breasts everywhere you look, and why? With the salaries these women make, can't they afford a complete gown? And it's not only the stars who are strutting their stuff, the ones with the big names and the recognizable faces. (You did notice their faces, didn't you?) At the Oscars, there were total whozits spilling out of their dresses! Producers. Screenwriters. People who ought to know better. People who don't have personal trainers on retainer. People whose best features lie north of the neck. A little restraint, perhaps? Not a chance. They were giving it their all, too. Talk about your Golden Globes... Or for that matter, talk about your Grammys, which is where Jennifer Lopez caused a bit of a stir last year, you'll recall, by showing up in a very nice ensemble consisting entirely of a handkerchief and shoes. And for this year's Oscars? Instead of the dress that wasn't there, our Jennifer decided to cover up completely -- in a demure little number that was something less than opaque. It's not the quantity of the fabric that counts, she wanted the world to know; it's the quality. And she certainly made her point. (Actually, two points.) Just call her the See-Through-Material Girl. There were exceptions, of course. Sarah Jessica Parker, for instance, offered up a discreet neckline -- no "Teats of Tinseltown" look for her. Of course, she had to borrow eight or nine inches of material from right above her kneecaps to pull it off. And let's not forget Julia Roberts. (Who can forget Julia Roberts?) America's sweetheart and Hollywood's thoroughly leading lady accepted her Best Actress award wearing something beautifully vintage and completely unrevealing. Of course, the role that got her the Oscar that put her on that stage in that wonderful gown was Erin Brockovich -- an uplifting story if ever there was one. If you get my drift. Or as Jimmy Stewart never said, "It's a Wonderbra Life." Posted 3/27/01. And
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Rick Horowitz
