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Mr. Sensitivity He's No Prize at ConsolationBy Rick Horowitz
These things aren't written in stone, you know. A bump here or there, and a person's career path might have taken an altogether different turn. Instead of Rudy Giuliani, big-city mayor and hard-driving Senate candidate, it could have been: Rudy Giuliani, grief counselor....
"Come right in, Miss. Grab a seat and tell me what's bothering you, OK?" "It's...Fifi, Dr. Giuliani. I've lost Fifi." "That's too bad. And Fifi's what? Your poodle?" "She's my great-great-aunt. She's been my favorite relative practically forever, and now she's dead." "Yeah, well, these things happen. Here -- take a tissue. So when did she die, your Fifi?" "Last Thursday. One day she was there, and the next day she was gone, just like that." "Just like that." "She was 87 years old, and she -- " "Wait a minute. Your Fifi was 87, and you're carrying on like this is some great sudden loss you had?" "But she was very -- " "People that age, you gotta figure they're living on borrowed time, you know what I'm saying? Every day you have them is a blessing, that's how you have to look at it." "She was run over by a beer truck." "Like that's my fault?" "Excuse me?" "Look, she had a long life, she had a full life, now she's dead. Get over it." "That's it? That's your advice? 'Get over it'?" "I'm kinda backed up here. You want another appointment, see my receptionist. Next!" ... "My Gerald's gone, Dr. Giuliani. We'd been married for 27 wonderful years, and then he...he went out in the backyard Saturday morning to put some new suet in the bird feeder, and the next thing I know, I hear this big thump." "Pecked to death by falcons?" "Heart attack. The nice man from the ambulance said he was probably dead before he hit the ground. Here -- here's how we looked at the Arbor Day banquet. See how happy we were?" "He had quite a gut on him, didn't he?" "I guess he had a sweet tooth. He always liked that chocolate fudge cake for dessert, and sometimes we'd have the one with the butterscotch icing, especially if -- " "Doesn't sound like a sweet tooth to me. Sounds like a whole sweet mouth. This guy was a heart attack waiting to happen." "But he -- " "A little self-control would have been nice, don't you think?" "But -- " "And maybe you could've helped him out, instead of stuffing him like a goose every night." "Are you saying I killed Gerald?!" "Hey, if the shoe fits...I'm just saying it's always easy to point fingers somewhere else when things go wrong. Next!" ... "It's my son, Dr. Giuliani -- my son. He was just standing on the street minding his own business, and then these policemen came up to him looking to buy drugs, only he didn't know they were policemen, and he didn't have any drugs, and they wouldn't take no for an answer and then everybody started fighting, and they had a gun and they killed him!" "Well, I'm sure they had their reasons." "What?!" "Something he did, or maybe something he used to do. Anyway, he's no altar boy, I'm sure of that. So he probably deserved to die." "What?!!" "Sorry for your loss. Next!" Posted 3/28/00. You
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Rick Horowitz