Whatever it takes

Hillary's Counting on It

By Rick Horowitz

So we're so excited about the whole thing -- the campaign, I mean -- that we don't just want to sit and watch it, we want to be part of it.

And of course, we want it to keep going forever so we can be a part of it forever, and the best way we figured we could do both things -- being part of it and helping it go on forever -- was to come up with new ways Hillary could argue that she shouldn't drop out, and that actually she's the one who should get the nomination, even if she doesn't have quite as many votes or delegates as Obama has.

So we tried to come up with ways, just let our imaginations run wild, because nothing we could possibly come up with would be too wild for her to use herself once we told her about it. I mean, all by herself she came up with the one about the big states, and the one about nobody wins without Ohio, and the one about who won the states with more electoral votes, or just counting Democrats or not counting the caucuses, and even the one about nobody knows this guy and she's been totally vetted and there aren't any more shoes to drop, which is totally true except maybe for not remembering there were cameras at that airport in Bosnia -- who cares?

Or even the one about how she's staying in to give all the other states who haven't voted yet a chance to be heard, which is a really imaginative one, since you have to figure if she'd been able to win in both Iowa and New Hampshire instead of just New Hampshire, everyone would have agreed she was "inevitable" like she'd been saying for months, and they'd have shut the whole thing down right away, or no later than Super Tuesday anyway, and you wouldn't have heard a peep out of her or even Bill about how the poor people of Kentucky or wherever are being "disenfranchised."

Anyway, that's what we were figuring.

So we tried to come up with things, just ask ourselves What Would Hillary Do? Right away we realized her name is longer. "Hillary Clinton" is 14 letters, and "Barack Obama" is only 11, so obviously she'd make a bigger impression on a ballot in November when every vote counts. Even if you use middle names, he only gains one letter on her because "Rodham" is 6 and "Hussein" is 7, and honestly, it isn't going to help him to put "Hussein" as his middle name if you know what I mean, not that he's a Muslim or anything. As far as we know.

Birthstones are a good one, too -- she's got Opal and Tourmaline, which everyone knows are strong leader kinds of birthstones, and he's only got Peridot and Sardonyx, which sounds foreign. You can't nominate a guy with foreign birthstones.

And her feet. I'm sure her shoes are way smaller than his, and whenever there's a really great president, they say it'll be hard to fill his shoes (only this time it would be her shoes), so the way to make sure of that is to pick the one with the smallest shoes, which means they'd be harder to fill. Unless somehow it turns out he's got tiny feet, and then it would be her feet are bigger, and big shoes are harder to fill. Whichever.

And if the president has to squeeze into a really short space, like an underground bunker or something in an emergency, he's much too tall, and people want someone who can fit into the bunker on Day One.

Or...

We're just getting started.

Posted 3/29/08. Have you started telling your friends about "Rick's"? (You really should, you know.)

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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