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Is there a doctor on the trail? The Slings (and Arrows?) of Campaign FortuneBy Rick Horowitz
Add this one to your list of campaign hazards: the lurching bus. That's what did it to John Kerry's rotator cuff -- a sudden stop, way back in January, way back in Iowa. It sent him to the hospital on the final day of March, and it'll have his right arm in a sling during the first days of April. Is this a problem? A presidential candidate who -- for the moment, at least -- can't shake hands? Can't give bear hugs? A presidential candidate who can't lift babies?! Elections have turned on smaller things. Call it one for the books -- the medical books. Of course, a tattered cuff is hardly the only health risk on the modern presidential campaign trail. As intensely as Kerry and George Bush are going at it -- and remember, we're still a good seven months from Election Day -- don't be surprised if the injuries start piling up, and in a totally bipartisan way. Not that the campaigns will always admit that their guys are hurting. And not that you'd necessarily recognize all the conditions even if they did tell you about them; campaign wear and tear is a very specialized field. But you're in luck -- campaign wear and tear just happens to be one of the specialties of that world-renowned research and treatment facility, Original Rick's We-Fix-'Em Medicine Place and Snack Shack. Let's go to the slides. Repetitive Rhetorical Stress Syndrome: Presidential candidates typically deliver some version of their all-purpose speech thousands of times before Election Day. Even with the shorter campaigns of the past, candidates have been known to awaken in the middle of the night, uttering their best applause lines again and again and waving to the "crowd." Today's longer campaigns are sure to aggravate this reaction. Plantar Fasciitis: Seen occasionally in the general population, plantar fasciitis and its associated foot pain are more commonly found in those politicians who constantly dig in their heels about one thing or another. The stresses involved both in maintaining that dug-in position for weeks at a time, and then abandoning it when the political discomfort becomes intolerable, have long been underestimated. New studies raise the possibility of lasting damage to the sole. Chronic Budgetitis: Perhaps the most common campaign-related ailment, chronic budgetitis is an impairment of the candidate's ability to do even simple mathematical calculations. Generally triggered by a desire to appeal to voters' unending needs and demands, chronic budgetitis' symptoms include frequent promises of big new spending programs, coupled with an inability to focus on the revenues needed to pay for these programs. Chronic budgetitis was once thought to occur only among Democrats, but recent evidence suggests the condition is far more widespread. Thumbular Stalactitis: Even optimism has its down side -- at least in politics. A candidate accustomed to mounting a podium and triumphantly thrusting his arms in the air will sometimes neglect to check the height of the ceiling. Ouch! Persistent Neurotwitchia: Popularly known as "spot shock," persistent neurotwitchia is an affliction found primarily in underfunded campaigns. There are few things quite as unsettling in politics as finding oneself the target, 30 seconds at a time, of tens of millions of dollars' worth of negative advertisements. The desire to curl oneself into a ball can be nearly overwhelming, although the condition sometimes manifests itself instead in a manic round of fundraising activities, trying to level the playing field. And finally... Progressive Hyposmilemia: The muscles of the face -- even a politician's face -- have only so many smiles in them. A candidate who is unfailingly cheery on the campaign trail may find himself at trail's end unable even to raise the corners of his mouth. The tongue, however, will still be functional. We can't have everything. Posted 4/1/04. But
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Rick Horowitz
