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The family tree Are There Any More Like You at Home?By Rick Horowitz
His name -- not that it matters, hardly anyone knows his name -- is Ali Hassan al Majid. Perhaps if we mentioned his nickname? "Chemical Ali"? Now you remember! That's what I figured. "Chemical Ali" is one of Saddam Hussein's major-major henchmen. He's said to have done terrible things on Saddam's behalf over the years. (That nickname is no accident.) He's near the top of the coalition's "to do" list. He's also one of Saddam's cousins. It pays to have connections. But he's only one of Saddam's cousins. Who knows how many more there are, just as nefarious, if not quite so notorious. Down in the belly of Central Command's covert coordinating council, they know. In fact, they're probably jotting down names right this very minute; it's the kind of job CentComCoCoCo was made for. After all, even if they catch up with "Chemical Ali," there's still: * "Biological Ali." "Chemical Ali's" half-brother, "Biological Ali" is one of Iraq's most feared scientists. He's reputed to be behind the 1998 effort to infect Western nations' Olympic athletes with performance-depressing caterpillar toxins. And don't forget... * "Botanical Ali." Also known as the "Gardener of Baghdad," "Botanical Ali" is believed to be developing a giant strain of Venus flytrap, designed to be deployed in close combat as an antipersonnel weapon. Their days may be numbered -- but you can't afford to overlook any of these folks either: * "Rhetorical Ali." One of the Baath party's senior strategists, "Rhetorical Ali" has been known to speak for as long as 37 hours at a stretch without food or water or bathroom breaks. Also said to know 52 different synonyms for "infidel." * "Nautical Ali." From a privileged youth spent racing yachts up and down the Persian Gulf, "Nautical Ali" has grown to take command of a secret fleet of "desert dinghies." Their capabilities? Unknown. Their intentions? The worst. * "Magical Ali." Saddam's second cousin on his mother's side, "Magical Ali" has not been seen in public since the closing days of the first Gulf War. Said by some to remain an influential counselor and popular behind-the-scenes entertainer, others wonder whether Saddam might have made him disappear. * "Tropical Ali." Credited with refining the strategic uses of humidity in an arid environment, "Tropical Ali" is also the father of the Elite Republican Guard's Steel Drum Brigade. * "Astronomical Ali." Sometimes called "Adviser to the Stars," "Astronomical Ali" is credited with naming the constellations "Saddam the Savior," "Saddam the Sacred Force in All Things," and "George the Bug Who is Smashed on the Windshield of True Believers." * "Gastronomical Ali." If an army still travels on its stomach, consider "Gastronomical Ali" a definite plus for the Iraqis. Trained in Paris at the famed Ecole d'Escargot, "Gastronomical Ali" was wooed by NATO in the mid-'90s; they were hoping he'd help them create a new line of gourmet MREs. * "Comical Ali." Best known for his side-splitting routines at Baath party conferences and roasts, "Comical Ali" is believed to have a darker side, too. Was briefly teamed up with "Gastronomical Ali" in early 2002 to explore the feasibility of a precision-guided custard pie. * "Psychological Ali." Widely referred to as "The Man with the Golden Couch," he's been part of Iraq's inner circle for decades. He's seen Saddam in all his moods -- murderous, absolutely murderous and even "You're really starting to annoy me." A survivor. And finally: * "Musical Ali." The sound of the Saddam era has been the sound of "Musical Ali," from the disco-tinged stylings of "You Should Be Cowering" right through his latest chart-topper, "Shake Your Jihad Thing." And rumored to be hitting the Internet sometime this week, a demo version of his upcoming release, "Whyte Flagz 4 Me." Stay alert. Posted 4/3/03. Keep
up with syndicated columnist Rick Horowitz twice every week. He's highly...satirical.
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Rick Horowitz
