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Nervous? Count on it. Taking Leave of Their CensusBy Rick Horowitz You know why they want all that stuff, don't you? The Census stuff, I mean -- you know why they want it. They say it's about Government programs and Government spending and things, but that is just so lame. The Government is trying to keep track of you -- that's why they want it. They're trying to find out things they've got no business knowing. It's all part of the plan. At least the politicians -- some of them, anyway -- are finally catching on. Of course, it took the talk-radio guys to sound the alarm, especially about that Long Form. But once regular people started getting riled up about it, some of the politicians finally figured it out, too, and they started telling people they didn't have to answer all the questions if they didn't want to. Even George W. Bush. Even George W. Bush said he wasn't sure he'd fill out the Long Form if he got it in the mail, and if a guy running for President tells you that, then you know how dangerous the whole thing is, even if some other people thought he was just pandering or something. I know, I know: A few of the questions look perfectly innocent, but that's the whole idea -- to lull you into a false sense of security. But if you take the time to really look at what they're asking, you can figure out exactly what's going on. Take those questions about whether you have problems bathing yourself or dressing yourself. Maybe it sounds like they're just trying to figure out who needs more nurses, or where to put new hospitals. No way. It's so the Government can try to sell you those long sponges on the poles -- you know, the ones like back scratchers? -- and also these special shoes that you don't have to bend over to tie the laces up. All the money they make from selling those things is totally off the books, you know, so they can use it to finance all these secret Government operations. Not that you'd ever want to buy the stuff in the first place. I hear they have prisoners at all the maximum-security federal prisons making the sponges, and also the shoes, so who knows what goes into them? And they're probably crawling with diseases. Or that question about whether you have indoor plumbing in your house? See, part of what the Government does is constantly try to embarrass you so you'll be too scared to complain about all the other things they're doing to you. I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing it is to have to tell the Government, "Sorry, we're still using the little shed out back"? That's not the worst of it, though. They're not asking it just to embarrass you. They want to know who has indoor plumbing so when they decide to send the alligators through the sewer systems and into people's houses, they can tell the alligators which particular houses they can get into the easiest. The alligators have been in the sewer systems for years -- that's a proven fact -- just waiting for the signal. You give the Government information about your toilets, though, it's like signing your own death warrant. So there's no way I'm answering that question. (I'm also keeping the lid down, just to be on the safe side.) Or that question about what time you go to work? They'll probably say it's about improving traffic patterns for commuters or something. Sure it is. The Government wants to know when nobody's going to be home so they can break in and install the cameras and the microphones. And how many bedrooms you have? That lets them know how many cameras and microphones to bring. And speaking of break-ins, how about all those questions -- they even have them on the Short Form, I think -- about whether you're Hispanic or not, and if you are Hispanic, then which kind of Hispanic? Mexican? Cuban? Puerto Rican? Something else? That's in case they ever wanted to steal that little Cuban boy back from his uncle's house and hide him somewhere, they'd know exactly where they could hide him where the people would speak the right language, and with the right politics and the right accent, too. I know what you're thinking -- those questions about who's Hispanic and what kind of Hispanic were put on the Census forms way before Elian Gonzalez ever got to Florida on that inner tube of his. So what does that tell you? Exactly -- the Government dreamed up this whole Elian thing years ago! And they still expect us to trust them? How stupid do they think we are? Posted 4/4/00. We
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Rick Horowitz