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Did you hear the one about...? Microsoft in Trouble: No Laughing MatterBy Rick Horowitz
On Monday, he lost. On Tuesday, I gloated. On Wednesday, I paid for it. What was I thinking? "He" being Bill Gates, the world's very richest man, and the recipient, last Monday afternoon, of the world's most anticipated antitrust ruling. Microsoft didn't play by the rules, the judge decided -- not even close -- and suddenly the pride and joy of Redmond, Wash., faced the possibility of nasty remedies, maybe even (gasp!) a breakup. The markets took the news -- and even the prospect of the news -- poorly, and by the end of the day, Bill Gates's company and Bill Gates's wallet were worth billions and billions of dollars less than they'd been worth at sunup. That was Monday. Tuesday found me in Raleigh, NC, speaking to students at North Carolina State University and offering up ostensibly amusing commentary about all manner of disasters, political and otherwise. Was I going to let Microsoft's woes go unmentioned? Not a chance. In fact, I raised the subject twice. The first time, in the midst of wondering about Al Gore's sudden embrace of campaign-finance reform, I compared the move to, say, Bill Gates taking a vow of poverty -- you'd want to be a bit suspicious, I suggested. There were giggles in the room. Then, in the "Newscast" portion of my program, I announced that the Microsoft ruling had sent the Nasdaq index tumbling -- but that Champagne sales were up sharply in Silicon Valley. There were guffaws. That was Tuesday. Big mistake. I should have realized that you don't joke about Bill Gates, or about Microsoft. I certainly should have realized that you don't use your Microsoft-laden laptop computer to compose those jokes. I should have realized that when it comes to life as we know it, Bill Gates is The Word. Also The Outlook. And for that matter, The Windows and The Explorer and The PowerPoint and -- You get the picture. On Wednesday, I stopped getting the picture. Or at least the picture I was used to getting. On Wednesday, I was off the road and back at my desk; I turned on my computer and found...weirdness. In the upper left-hand corner of the screen, there was a dotted-line "scratch" some four or five inches long. The screen wasn't actually scratched, but it looked that way. It looked as if someone had gone at the thing from inside, with a steak knife. That wasn't the worst of it. All along this "scratch," oozy blues and oranges were spreading out in oil-slick waves every time I adjusted the screen, or even touched the back of it. It was pretty, in its own drippy, drooly fashion -- but also pretty distracting. This was supposed to be a computer screen. If I'd wanted a lava lamp, I'd have bought a lava lamp. Tuesday, I make fun of Microsoft. Wednesday, my PC goes haywire. Coincidence? You can believe that if you want to. You're thinking to yourself: Microsoft doesn't make computer screens, and Microsoft programs aren't the only ones that help keep computer screens properly pixelated. Fair enough. But you don't think Microsoft programs have influence? You can't imagine, late at night and deep inside the innards, when software has nothing else to do but sit around and grouse, one of the Microsoft clan tossing an offhand comment about the nerve of this guy -- biting the hand that feeds him, poking fun at the very same corporation that permits his vowels and his consonants to line themselves up in phrases and sentences and occasionally even punchlines? You can't imagine all the programs getting together and arranging a little demonstration for my benefit? A little warning shot? It's ruthless -- that's what it is. It's thin-skinned to the max. I'd say more, but I have to start working on my next column: "Bill Gates, America's Savior." I can take a hint. Posted 4/6/00. And
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Rick Horowitz