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Rick gets religion? The Robe is ExtraBy Rick Horowitz
You spend your days in the journalism business, you can spend your nights wondering if this is how you want to spend the rest of your years. Not that you don't enjoy the work: digging up the facts, sniffing out the hottest trends, calling assorted miscreants to account. It's a living -- and, of course, it's a public service. But every now and again, you find yourself wondering if there's something else you might be doing, some exciting new career path waiting to take you to a different place emotionally, waiting to call on hidden talents that have remained untapped far too long. Which is why this particular piece of e-mail caught my eye. "Perform Baptisms!" I get e-mail all the time, offering me all sorts of deals. I always ignore them, but this one was different. This wasn't just another chance to earn $10,000 a week working from my home. (I already work from my home -- would an extra digit or two really make that big a difference?) This wasn't just another chance to lose 25 inches of unsightly fat in three days. (My fat may be unsightly, but it's the only fat I've got.) No, this was a chance to go beyond my own petty needs and desires and take my place in the community of good-deed doers. And I could start right away. "Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER within 48 hours!!!!" That's less time than it takes to lose all that fat. I was intrigued. "As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!!" And then, just in case I wasn't sure which rites and ceremonies those might be, Minister Charles Simpson laid them out for me. "WEDDINGS. MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!! Don't settle for being the BEST MAN or BRIDES' MAID." (cq) Exactly what I'd been thinking! "FUNERALS. A very hard time for you and your family. Don't settle for a minister you don't know!!" Good point. "BAPTISMS. You can say "WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!! I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!!" This was the one they'd put in the e-mail headline, and I could certainly see why, although if I actually started welcoming babies into the world, I'd probably want to lose a couple of those exclamation points. It's frightening enough being born, without having some freshly minted minister shouting his UNCLEhood at you. But I like the concept. "FORGIVENESS OF SINS. The Catholic Church has practiced the forgiveness of sins for centuries." Which means that there'd be plenty of experienced people to turn to for advice and practical tips. (I can never remember: Is that hand thing up-down-left-right, or up-down-right-left?) "VISIT CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES. Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need!!" It's kind of like having a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. And how about this one? "WANT TO START YOUR OWN CHURCH? After your LEGAL ORDINATION, you may start your own congregation!!" I can see it now: Minister Rick standing at the pulpit, gazing down upon his flock. I've always wanted to gaze down on a flock. Wool makes me itch; this could be my only chance. And the fact that I'm not, strictly speaking, Catholic? Or anything close to Catholic? Not a problem, apparently. Not as long as I've got the $29.95 in CREDIT CARD, CASH, CHECK OR MONEY ORDER, which is all I need to receive my very own "8-inch by 10-inch certificate IN COLOR, WITH GOLD SEAL. (CERTIFICATE IS PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED BY AN INK PRESS.) " That pretty much clinched it for me. After all, the last thing I want to be is one of those fly-by-night photocopy ministers. But PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED BY AN INK PRESS? Where do I sign up? I know what you're thinking. You're wishing you had gotten that e-mail, too. You're realizing I'm on the threshold of a new and totally fulfilling journey, while you're stuck in the same old same old. You're even feeling a little envious. I forgive you. Posted 4/6/01. Wholly
amusing -- that's the deal at "Rick's." Spread the word!
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Rick Horowitz
