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Rick's
syndicated column took a Second Prize in
the prestigious National Headliner
Awards!
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Looking
for the hits you missed? Try
Recent
Rick for tons o' fun.
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He has
everything. He wants more. It's driving
him crazy. Envy is such an ugly word -- go
green with this Vintage
Rick.
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When it
comes to reliable, nothing outshines the
sun. Celebrate the return of Daylight
Saving Time with this Seasonal
Fave!
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Agony in agate
Classified Information
By Rick Horowitz
LOST: Kosovar refugees. Tens of thousands,
various shapes & sizes, last seen 4/6-4/7 at
Kosovo-Albania, Kosovo-Macedonia borders, missing by
sunrise. Identifying characteristics: dirty clothes,
terrorized looks, esp. children. One minute there, next
minute gone. Great sentimental value -- any info.
appreciated. Contact Red Cross,
Box 123.
LOST: Reputation. Senior
U.S. official, tough negotiator, extensive experience in
Balkans, guessed wrong on Serbian intentions, paying high
price in diplomatic circles, etc. Eager to reacquire former
luster, will travel to ends of earth. Contact
Madeleine, Box 1999.
WILL SWAP: Three U.S.
servicemen, near-mint condition, for bombing halt, border
concessions or best offer. We can do business together --
trust me. Contact Slobo, Box
666.
LOST: Peace agreement.
Small but frisky family favorite, answers to "Rambouillet,"
doesn't respond to threats. Wandered off at start of recent
hostilities, hasn't been seen in weeks. Has papers, needs
shots -- or decent burial. Contact State Dept.,
Box 1938.
LOST: Patience. Only
surviving superpower expects rest of world to pay attention,
bend to its will. Doesn't appreciate centuries-old
rivalries, has no interest in war that runs longer than
miniseries. Are we being unreasonable? All replies held in
confidence. Contact CNN, Box
1776.
PUBLIC NOTICE: Having declared a
unilateral cease-fire and renounced (for the moment) all
further territorial ambitions, I am no longer responsible
for any damage incurred by the Albanian Kosovars as a result
of outside military actions. They wanted NATO, they've got
NATO. Milosevic & Associates,
Belgrade.
LOST: Loyalty. U.S.
Administration, struggling to formulate effective Balkan
policy, stung by press reports that Pentagon, CIA warned of
futility of air campaign, likelihood of increased violence
against Kosovars. Seeking team players, upbeat strategists.
Also muzzles. Contact White House,
Box 2020.
LOST: Momentum.
Frontrunner for major-party presidential nomination, leader
in all polls, suddenly forced to sound informed on
foreign-policy issues. Taking hits from all sides for
vagueness, caution. I don't think we're in Texas anymore.
Suggestions? Contact George W.,
Box 2000.
LOST: Festive spirit.
Well-respected military alliance, successful peacekeeper for
generations, about to celebrate 50th anniversary -- under
shadow of war. Seeking party games, dance music with a lift.
Send tapes, rates to NATO HQ., Box 1949.
ADVT.: Tired of people who
aren't just like you? Ready to make your country one big
happy family? Try Sweep-Away, the ethnic cleanser with
Terror Torch. Proven effective for a final solution. Sample
bottle, $19.95 + shipping. Contact "Butcher,"
Box 1389.
LOST: Confidence,
innocence, sleep. Will pay top dollar for return, no
questions asked. Contact Bill, Box
1600.
Posted
4/9/99. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!
 Rick
Horowitz is a syndicated
columnist, TV
commentator and public
speaker
©1999 Rick Horowitz. All rights
reserved.
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