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Hard to bear Did He Say "Pander," or...?By Rick Horowitz It's going to start off OK, but you know what's going to happen after that, don't you? It's going to be a zoo! Of course, it's already a zoo; that's not what I mean. I mean it's going to be a mess. You may have caught the news: The pandas are coming -- probably. The Chinese government has agreed to lend a pair of giant pandas to the National Zoo in Washington, DC, for 10 years. They're still working out the details, which means it may be another year or two before the pandas actually set paw in the Nation's Capital. But when they do, they'll fill that big empty space in the Panda House and in the hearts of millions, the void that was left when Ling-Ling died back in '92 and when sickly Hsing-Hsing was put to sleep last year. So a replacement pair would be just the thing, don't you think? Think again. In fact, let's ponder a panda's prospects if this deal goes through. We'll call this particular panda: Eliang-Liang. Eliang-Liang is the cute panda. Not that the other panda isn't cute, too -- every panda is cute -- but everyone knows that this particular little-boy panda is very cute, the cutest little panda anyone has seen in a long time. People are so happy to have cute little Eliang-Liang here in the United States that they flock to see him, take his picture, send him cards and letters. The other panda eventually dies of inattention, but Eliang-Liang's popularity only increases as time goes by. The zoo can't turn out the souvenirs quickly enough. He gets millions of hits a day on the PandaCam. He's become an icon, an industry. Then the Chinese say they want him back. The 10 years are nearly over, you see, and it's time for Eliang-Liang to go home. To China. To his panda poppa. Well, you've never heard such a ruckus! First it's the zookeepers; they don't want Eliang-Liang to leave. They've grown fond of him over the years -- who hasn't? -- and they want him to stay with them. They start muttering about "psychological effects" and "traumatic dislocations" if little Eliang-Liang is torn away from the life he's come to know. Then other animals get into the act. They may be only distant relatives of Eliang-Liang, the koalas concede, but he's grown quite attached to them. One of the youngish koalas even faints dead away if anyone so much as mentions the possibility of Eliang-Liang leaving. She's very stressed out, the older koalas explain. She and Eliang-Liang have bonded, they say. Besides, all those interviews are very tiring. The gorillas are firm. We've heard about what goes on in China, they say. Better that Eliang-Liang spend his life in a free country than with his panda poppa in slavery! The black bears and the brown bears, meanwhile, still have family living over there; there's no way, they vow, they'll let this poor panda be sent back to that place. They start marching around their compound, waving signs and chanting slogans. More animals join in, and the commotion gets louder every day. All of which catches the attention of certain politicians. The last thing certain politicians want is to be on the wrong side of an angry mob of mammals, especially angry mammals who vote. These politicians start speechifying about the fundamental rights of pandas. They hit the Sunday morning talk shows. They propose special legislation -- "The Panda to the People Celebration of Freedom Act" -- to keep Eliang-Liang from going anywhere. The administration is on its own, these politicians warn, if it tries to take custody of Eliang-Liang and send him back to China. If there's violence in the cages, it won't be our fault. The attorney general is adamant: The law must be obeyed. Ten years means ten years. He's a wonderful panda, but it's time for Eliang-Liang to go home. In the streets surrounding the zoo, there are demonstrations and counter-demonstrations, prayer vigils and candlelight parades. Deadlines are set, and extended. Threats are made, and retracted. Then more deadlines and more threats, and more deadlines, and more threats. The media frenzy reaches new heights; no one is really surprised when Diane Sawyer does headstands in Eliang-Liang's cage while she nibbles on bamboo. It's not a pretty sight -- she's in traction for a month and needs her stomach pumped -- but she gets the story. Are you sure you want to put up with all this? What's that you say? It couldn't possibly happen that way? You're probably right. I don't know what got into me. Posted 4/11/00. Get
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Rick Horowitz