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They've got a little list Dear Whoever: You're NextBy Rick Horowitz
"Each situation will require a different response." President Bush, threatening Syria To Whom It May Concern: This is to inform you that the executive branch of the government of the United States of America is (troubled/ highly troubled/ deeply troubled) by the current situation in (insert country). Because of specific activities you have (undertaken/ encouraged/ financed/ permitted), the prospects for peace in (insert region), and indeed throughout the world, have been placed in grave jeopardy. As these activities have no possible legitimate purpose, and violate all standards of civilized conduct among nations, we demand that you put a stop to them (immediately/ ASAP/ pronto). Otherwise, we shall have no alternative but to take whatever steps are necessary and (appropriate/ devastating) to protect the security of the American people. What is required of you at this critical moment is nothing less than your full and complete (consideration/ cooperation/ capitulation). Only in that way can a peaceful resolution of this matter be achieved. The activities now going on in (insert country) constitute a clear and (immediate/ growing) danger, one that cannot be allowed to continue. Through the use of (surveillance satellites/ unmanned aircraft/ human intelligence/ Miss Cleo), we have (incontrovertible evidence/ solid information/ a pretty good hunch) that you've been up to no good. In particular, we are most concerned that you are (stockpiling weapons of mass destruction/ attempting to develop weapons of mass destruction/ transferring weapons of mass destruction to other countries/ jealous of our weapons of mass destruction). In addition, we have the strongest possible suspicions that your government has been (harboring terrorists/ terrorizing harbors). Finally, serious questions have been raised about (the way you wear your hat/ the way you sip your tea/ other). Our long reliance on (diplomatic channels/ The Weather Channel/ Chanel No. 5) has gotten us nowhere in resolving these matters, and has been met only by (further deceit/ vacant stares/ heavy breathing) on your part. We have been obliged, therefore, to consider a variety of additional steps to ensure our safety, and that of your neighboring states, (insert country, insert country), not to mention (insert country). As (President Bush/ Vice President Cheney/ Secretary Rumsfeld/ Rush Limbaugh) said very clearly just the other day, "(insert bellicose language)." We couldn't agree more. We are also well aware of the tragic human costs that your behavior has exacted upon your own nation as well. For more than (insert number) years, your repressive regime has denied your own citizens basic (rights/ freedoms/ cable). They, like people the world over, yearn to be free, and we understand those yearnings. We therefore pledge that we will not rest, and will not consider our efforts a success, until we have liberated the long-suffering people of (insert country). You and your (cronies/ toadies/ phonies/ ponies) are through. Your (shady associates/ sleazy friends/ skanky relatives) should be under no illusions: We intend to bring them all to justice. In the time that remains, we urge you to be realistic. You saw the way we dismantled the entire Iraqi government in a matter of weeks. We're hopeful that as you monitored those impressive developments, you (saw the light/ learned your lesson/ wet your pants). But if not? We're (ready/ willing/ able/ all of the above) to do it again. Sincerely, Posted 4/15/03. There's
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Rick Horowitz
