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The words on everyone's lips Says Who? Says He. (Constantly.)By Rick Horowitz
Harry Blazes loves his phrases. He's an ordinary man who lives an ordinary life, with an ordinary house and an ordinary job. If it weren't for those phrases, Harry Blazes would fit right in. Instead, he's driving everyone he knows, and everyone he meets, to absolute distraction. "You are..." says Harry Blazes, "the weakest link. Goodbye!" And again, just to work on the accent: "You are...the weakest link. Goodbye!" Harry's wife is not amused. It was funny the first time, but that was days ago. Harry's kids aren't amused either. (They didn't think it was funny the first time.) They roll their eyes and walk away. "Well, excuuuuuse me!" Harry Blazes is perfectly capable of speaking for himself, of expressing his own thoughts in his own words. He simply doesn't care to. He'd much rather use somebody else's words -- the latest piece of patter sweeping the country, or even an old favorite. (He's been doing this forever.) He thinks he's being clever. He thinks it'll make him popular. "You are...the weakest link. Goodbye!" Harry's dog wags its tail at him. Harry's dog never gets bored. Harry's dog doesn't care about accents. Harry was so excited when he heard this new one -- on the commercials, and then on the show itself. Over and over. Clipped and precise and oh-so-British. He'd been antsy lately, hungry for something different. Not that he wasn't still getting mileage out of his other favorites. "Is that your final answer?" That's how he'd respond to anything his co-workers said to him down at the bank. (If he spoke first, it was always "Whassup?") And when his co-workers would complain to their supervisor that every conversation with Harry took twice as long as it had to, and that the entertainment value of these conversations wasn't nearly what Harry thought it was, the supervisor would come to Harry and pass along their complaints, and Harry would smile his biggest smile and say, "The tribe has spoken!" And go right back to doing exactly what he'd been doing. It's not that Harry's the only person who's ever enjoyed slipping a hot phrase into the mix every now and again. That's why they're hot phrases; people like to use them. The difference is: Harry doesn't know when to stop. And now? Harry at his desk, stretching his watchband a dozen times a day: "You are...the weakest link. Goodbye!" Harry in the parking lot, rattling the old metal fence: "You are...the weakest link. Goodbye!" Harry in the employees' cafeteria, spearing a sausage and swallowing it in one disgusting gulp: "You are...the weakest link. Goodbye!" This can't go on forever. Any day now, the people who have to deal with Harry Blazes and his phrases will have had enough of it -- more than enough. Maybe his wife and his kids will strap him to his recliner until he promises to stop. Maybe his co-workers will dangle him from the roof and pour boiling coffee up his pants leg. And when it happens -- and sooner or later, it has to happen -- Harry Blazes will be ecstatic. He'll be the life of the party, the center of attention, just the way he's always wanted to be. He'll just grin back at all those exasperated faces. "Well, isn't that special!" he'll say. "Cowabunga!" he'll say. "Go ahead -- make my day." Posted 4/17/01. Make
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Rick Horowitz
