After the massacre

Can't Escape the Gun Play

By Rick Horowitz

"Places, everyone! Places, please!"

"He's in my light!"

"I'm sure you two can -- there you go -- work it out. Very good. Now, first of all, let me thank you all for being here on such short notice. I know it was inconvenient for some of you to drop everything else you were doing."

"Hey, we're pros."

"Exactly. And don't think that isn't a great comfort to the entire production team -- we really do appreciate it."

"Better food in the dressing room?"

"Not that much! But seriously, even you first-timers, we know it's particularly hard for you, and we're glad you could be here. Well, not glad, exactly -- more... more..."

"'More grateful.'"

"More grateful. Thanks. Which reminds me: Do we have the adjectives?"

"'Terrible'? 'Horrific'? 'Ghastly'?"

"'Horrific' works. And 'ghastly.' 'Terrible''s been done to death."

"They've all been done to death."

"True enough."

"'Unimaginable'?"

"Hardly. I mean, that's the point, isn't it? The last thing it is is -- "

"Got it."

" -- unimaginable."

"Got it."

"We want it fresh, but we need it accurate -- at least with the adjectives. Everyone on board with that? OK, now, let me just -- is everyone here? Local officials?"

"Here."

"State and federal?"

"Here."

"Media heavyweights."

"'Testing, one, two, three. Testing...'"

"Violence experts?"

"'Have you read my latest book?'"

"Stunned fellow students?"

"Yeah."

"Grieving relatives?"

" "

"Grieving relatives?"

"Here. Distracted -- sorry."

"No problem -- we're used to it. Gun-rights groups?"

"'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.'"

"'With guns!'"

"And gun-control groups. Amazing! Neither of you has lost a -- "

"'Prosecute gun criminals to the full extent of the law.'"

"After you scrape him off the wall? It's too late!"

"More guns could have stopped it, you know."

"That's your answer for everything!"

"Folks? You don't want to leave it all backstage, folks -- we've got a show to do."

"Jerk."

"Wimp."

"Folks? That's better -- thank you. Now, I know we're going on without a lot of rehearsal..."

"A lot?"

"Without any rehearsal. But that's what so great about reviving a classic: You all know your lines."

"In our sleep."

"And so does the audience."

"In their sleep."

"Absolutely! OK, places, everyone: 'Gun Play' -- Act One. And curtain...going...up!"

Posted 4/17/07. Click to "Rick's" for award-winning commentary!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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