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Smoke Signals

By Rick Horowitz

Everyone knows what the white smoke means -- the white smoke means they've picked a new pope.

And everyone knows what the black smoke meant -- the black smoke meant they hadn't. Yet.

But is that all there is to it? White smoke or black smoke in a full-color world? A simple "Yup" or "Nope" at a moment so filled with nuance?

There must be more! -- that's what I say. And now (will miracles never cease?) there is more! Here, in case you were wondering, is the enhanced and upgraded smoke-signal collection no Vatican should be without:

* Red smoke: We are very close to a decision, but we need another ballot or two to finalize matters.

* Violet smoke: We are reasonably close to a decision, with a consensus clearly beginning to emerge.

* Yellow smoke: We are still some distance from a decision, but our discussions remain friendly and productive.

* Blue smoke: We are still some distance from a decision, and our discussions would be friendly and productive if certain people would wait their turn like everybody else instead of being such a bully all the time.

* Orange smoke: Nothing important to announce -- we just think orange smoke looks cool.

* Green smoke: Twenty pepperoni pizzas, 15 veggie, 10 double cheese, and some sauerbraten for Ratzinger.

* Maroon smoke: A hundred and fifteen cardinals walk into a bar...

* Tan smoke: Where does it say you can't use deodorant at a conclave?

* Red, white and green smoke: Isn't it time for another Italian?

* Sepia smoke: We've got nothing against a non-European pope -- we just wouldn't want our sister to marry one.

* Lavender smoke: Can we get a housekeeper in here? This place is a pig sty!

* Gold smoke: OK, so Jerry Vale was no Sinatra -- does that make him chopped liver?

* Chartreuse smoke: You'd think this place would have a decent plasma screen!

* Brown smoke: Our bad -- we're having a barbecue.

* Magenta smoke: Can you believe Coppola cast his own daughter in The Godfather, Part III?

* Cerulean smoke: Send more brandy!

* Lime-green smoke: Sorry -- the world just isn't ready for a preppie pope.

* Turquoise smoke: All the soot is killing our sinuses.

* Copper smoke: Free High-Speed Internet Access!

* Fuchsia smoke: Where is Simon Cowell when you really need him?

* Green, blue, orange and yellow smoke: These artificial Yule logs are really the bomb!

* Periwinkle smoke: A rabbi, a priest and a minister are in a rowboat...

* Amber smoke: Anybody know if the Popemobile has cup holders?

* Mauve smoke: Does a vow of silence include humming?

* Salmon smoke: How about shadow puppets?

* Gold and blue smoke: If those guys sing the Notre Dame fight song one more time, we're gonna punch their lights out!

* Indigo smoke: Oh yeah?

* Aquamarine smoke: Yeah!

* Teal smoke: Wouldn't it be easier to just IM everyone?

And finally...

* Pink smoke: Where are all the gals?

Posted 4/20/05. For award-winning commentary, journey beyond the headlines with Rick!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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©2005 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.