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No regrets

Ralph Sees the Sunny Side

By Rick Horowitz

There's entirely too much self-doubt in this world, too many of us doing the nightly toss-and-turn, wondering whether we should have, wondering whether we could have.

Then there's Ralph Nader. Ralph Nader has no doubts.

How nice for him.

"Serene" -- that's the way the story in the newspaper put it the other day, as old Ralph picked over the remains of the 2000 presidential race and considered the first days of the latest Bush.

Regrets? Not Ralph. He doesn't apologize for a thing -- not for helping seal Al Gore's doom by grabbing off more than 90,000 votes in oh-so-close Florida, not even for helping hand the White House keys to the man he once described as "a giant corporation running for president disguised as a person."

I ask you: Would a man who doubted himself ever have come up with such a devastating line? Not a chance. And now that "Bush Inc." is firmly ensconced in the Oval Office, doing exactly the kinds of things Ralph expected him to do, does Ralph -- who was, after all, so much a part of making it possible -- have any second thoughts about his role?

Perish the thought.

He couldn't be happier about the way things are going. In fact, the worse it gets for issues he says he cares about, the more he seems to like it.

"There's a dynamic involved," he says. "There's a reawakening involved, there's a churning."

Arsenic in the drinking water will do that to people. Or maybe it's carbon dioxide emissions from power plants, or logging in national forests, or drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, or --

Plenty of people are plenty upset about all of that. They're up in arms about the various things the Bush brigades are thinking of doing -- or not doing -- to the air and the water and the trees and such. Not Ralph, though. He doesn't see the glass as half-empty; he sees the glass as half-full. (It may not be drinkable, but at least it's half-full.)

Here's why he's happy: Ralph says all this recent ruckus "raises the environmental issues."

He's absolutely right about that. And he's more than absolutely right -- he's positively inspirational. If the self-doubters in the world could only learn to look at things the way Ralph does, we'd all be so much happier ourselves. We wouldn't get bogged down in the petty misgivings of the here and now. We'd see the bigger picture. We'd take the longer view.

If I stuffed myself full of fatty, greasy foods until I was as big as a bus and had a time bomb for a heart, I wouldn't have to rebuke myself for being an utter pig. I'd say it "raises the nutritional issues."

If I accidentally left the water running in the bathtub and completely flooded the house, I wouldn't waste time berating myself for being incredibly careless. I'd say it "raises the carpet-cleaning issues."

If I tossed back the bourbon until I was drunk as a skunk and then staggered through the streets singing Italian love songs at the top of my lungs, I wouldn't wake up the next morning in abject embarrassment. I'd tell myself it "raises the alcohol-abuse issues."

If I started flinging garbage out my back door instead of bagging it for the trash collector, I'd know exactly what to say when the neighbors complained. I'd simply tell them it "raises the rodent-control issues."

Rob a bank? It "raises the crime issues." Torch the hardware store? It "raises the fire-prevention issues." Ram my car into someone else's car just for the thrill of it? It "raises the auto-safety issues."

With Ralph as my model, I could see my life in a totally new light.

No doubt about it.

Posted 4/24/01. See the news in a humorous light -- get yourself back to "Rick's"!


Send Rick a note!Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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