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She wants out. He wants in. Irreplaceable? Maybe Not.By Rick Horowitz "Rrrriinnnng! Rrrriin -- " "Good morning -- White House Personnel. May I help you?" "Yeah, I'm calling about your opening?" "Excuse me?" "The one in the paper? Where that lady is leaving? That's the one I'm calling about." "I'm sorry, Mr....I don't believe I caught your name." "I'm Barton Spleeze, from Firestone Flats, Ohio." "Well, thank you, Mr. Spleeze. It's good of you to call, but we don't really -- " "Have an opening? But if this lady, I forget her name, if she's going back home to Texas..." "Karen Hughes?" "That's the one! If she's going back to Texas, and she used to do all these things for President Bush, then somebody's gonna have to do it, right? I used to be a counselor, you know." "Excuse me?" "The paper said she was counselor to the president. Well, I used to be a counselor, too -- Camp Calamine, 1985. We made some of the nicest wallets you'll ever -- " "I'm afraid that's not the kind of 'counselor' we're looking for, Mr. Spleeze." "So you are looking for someone -- I knew it! Why don't I send you my resume and we can set up an interview or something. Do you do teleconferences?" "I'm afraid that isn't necessary, Mr. Spleeze. We won't -- " "Need to meet me before you hire me? Great! When do I start?" "That's not what I was going to say, Mr. Spleeze. I was going to say we won't be hiring anyone to fill Ms. Hughes' job. As far as the president's concerned -- " "She's irreplaceable?" "Exactly." "See?" "See what, Mr. Spleeze?" "See the way I finished your sentence there? About what the president was thinking?" "So?" "So the paper said this Hughes lady and the president used to finish each other's sentences all the time. I do that, too!" "I'm sure that's -- " "Really impressive?" "Now stop that!" "I'm sorry -- it's just so exciting, having a chance to work in that West Wing of yours." "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you. I'm sure you're a very nice man, and you're only trying to help your president and your country." "You bet. And I can alter my ego." "Come again?" "The paper said this Hughes lady was the president's altered ego? I've been doing that for years! I remember one time, I turned myself into an acrobat, I almost wrecked the chandelier in -- " "I'm going to have to go now, Mr. Spleeze. It's been very nice talking to you. Have a -- " "I want to spend less time with my family!" "Excuse me?" "This Hughes lady's leaving because she wants to spend more time with her family, right? Well, I want to spend less time with my family, so you'll never have to worry about me leaving!" "Goodbye, Mr. Spleeze." "But you don't understand! The wife's on a health-food kick, and the triplets are teething, and the monkey won't even -- " Posted
4/25/02. You'll want to spend more time with Rick -- get his very latest
commentary, twice a week right here!
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Rick Horowitz
