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Kiss Up, Kick Down -- Fight, Fight, Fight!By Rick Horowitz
My name is John Bolton and I'm a diplomat, dammit! My diplomatic mission for today is to let the world know that 2 + 2 = 5. This shouldn't be difficult -- the evidence on this subject is absolutely clear. And more important than that: The most powerful people in our government are convinced that 2 + 2 = 5. What more do you need? Now, there are other people who claim that the evidence on this subject is less than clear. My response to these other people is a simple one: I say once again that 2 + 2 = 5. But I say it in a louder voice. I was born to practice this kind of diplomacy. Let me explain. Not that I have any need to explain, not to the likes of you. Unless you outrank me, of course, in which case I'll be perfectly delighted to explain -- and by the way, have I told you what a handsome tie you're wearing? But I'm sure you don't outrank me, so let me put it this way: Sit down, shut up and listen. It is vitally important to the security of this nation that 2 + 2 = 5. Many options -- diplomatic and...otherwise -- are open to us when 2 + 2 = 5, options that would be far harder to pursue were 2 + 2 to produce some other result. Some less useful result. Therefore (diplomats say "therefore" a lot, but don't get the wrong idea -- I'm saying "therefore" because I want to, not because I have to), all the resources of our government need to be focused on bringing the rest of the world around to our position on this critical issue. You may be wondering, "How do we do this?" Who said you're allowed to wonder? You work for me, dirtbag! You'll wonder when I say you wonder, and not until then, got it? As I was saying, we do this by the effective use of facts. Collectively, these facts are sometimes called "intelligence." Intelligence is a tricky matter. It can be difficult to interpret. In the wrong hands, it can even be used to manipulate the truth. That's why intelligence has to be handled so carefully. Any fool can look at intelligence and say that 2 + 2 = 4. It takes someone special to see something else. And I'm just the man who can do it. I like to think of myself as a modern-day Paul Revere, whipping my horse through the streets late at night to sound a warning. But instead of shouting, "The British are coming! The British are coming!" I shout about the Iraqis and the North Koreans and the Syrians and the Cubans and anybody else Dick Cheney is feeling particularly antsy about. Dick Cheney and I are very close, you know. If anything happens to me, he'll be really angry. Anyway, I like sounding warnings, and I'm very good at it. In fact, every time I give a speech, alarm bells go off all over Washington. And when I can't find any horses, I just whip some mid-level bureaucrat. It's very satisfying. Speaking of bureaucrats: Some people who work for this government seem to think that they get to tell me what I can say -- that I can't say this thing is a threat, or that thing is a threat. They try to tell me what I can say, and then they're surprised when they suddenly find themselves in some windowless basement office working on banana subsidies. They should have thought of that before they tried to second-guess me. I outrank them, so my facts will always be better than theirs. Have I mentioned that I'm Dick Cheney's favorite? Understand: I only go where the intelligence takes me -- unless I need to go a step or two further, and then I go a step or two further, which is perfectly permissible. We won a four-year term, and then another one. That's eight years. So if I say 2 + 2 = 5, then 2 + 2 = 5. Do the math. Posted 4/26/05. "Rick's"
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Rick Horowitz
