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Let's put on a show! They Know Exactly What to DoBy Rick Horowitz In a dusty corner of a cluttered room, down a narrow hallway on a Capitol Hill, there once sat a lantern, big and round and rusted. As lanterns go, it was nothing much to look at; there were prettier, shinier lanterns to be found in every marketplace, in every peddler's stall. But this was no ordinary lantern, though its worn and tattered appearance gave no hint of its special powers. These powers were known to but a few fortunate souls in each generation, lucky individuals who came across the lantern by happenstance and, rubbing its sooty surfaces just so, unleashed its exotic wonders. In this particular generation, the lucky individuals who had discovered the lantern's powers were known by the name: Republicans. And on this particular day, in the year 2000, these Republicans crept down the narrow hallway and gathered in the cluttered room on this Capitol Hill. Their eyes were fixed on the lantern, and their jaws quivered with excitement. "Is it time?" whispered one Republican, and another answered, "It's time. Get him back here." Someone lifted the lantern from its resting place, while someone else tapped it -- twice, then twice more. There was a swirl of smoke, a sudden rush of wind and all at once there stood before them, his silks and satins giving off an unearthly glow: the genie. "Talk to me, dudes." "Welcome, O Mystical One!" the Republicans exclaimed. "We have another wish for you." "It's about time," the genie replied, pulling a gleaming metal object from the folds of his garments. "Let me just check my organizer here, and -- " "It is our third wish, All-Knowing One. Our...final wish." It was all they could do to keep from drooling. "In that case," said the genie, "I assume you've thought long and hard about what your wish will be." "We have thought long and hard," said the leader of the Republicans, "just as you suggest. And we know exactly what we want." "And that is...?" "Hearings. We want hearings." "You're kidding," said the genie. "No, we're not," said the leader of the Republicans, and all the other Republicans shook their heads to let the genie know that they weren't kidding either. "We want congressional hearings about this little Cuban boy, and all the horrible things Clinton is doing to him." Now it was the genie who shook his head. His purple tongue clicked against his bright orange teeth. "I gave you guys hearings for your first wish, didn't I? That was a few years ago, and you wanted hearings about some shady campaign deal." "Money from China!" the Republicans cried. "Clinton was getting money from China!" "And nobody gave a hoot, am I right?" There was silence in the room. "So then with your second wish, you asked for...hearings." "That was Lewinsky! Of course we wanted hearings!" "I remember now," said the genie. "I offered you fame and fortune and power, and you said, 'Give us these hearings, and all the rest will follow.' A fat lot of good that did you! And now you want to do it again?!" The genie searched each Republican face for a glimmer of imagination, or at least a hint of embarrassment. He might as well have been seeking the griffin, or the Minotaur. "Hearings," muttered one Republican, and then another and then another, until the room was a caldron of chanting and screaming. "Hearings!" they roared. "We want hearings!!" When the noise could get no louder, the genie twirled his cape ten times, put a finger to his nose and shouted, "Done!" Then he was gone, in a flash of silver light. All that remained was an ordinary-looking lantern and the sour smell of musty newspapers. The Republicans looked around the room, thought once more about their final wish -- and broke into cheers that echoed down the corridors for days. And the moral of the story? Magic is a fleeting thing, but stupid is forever. Posted 4/28/00. Grab
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Rick Horowitz