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Some other time Inspection? Rejection.By Rick Horowitz
This time of year, the road screams, "Hit me!" and I'm only too happy to oblige. It doesn't have to be somewhere special; it just has to be somewhere else. I start thinking about the possibilities -- this is a couple of days ago -- and then I spring it on the wife and kids over dinner. "Let's go visit Cousin Izzy!" They're all for it. Cousin Izzy's a family favorite, and we haven't been down to see him in quite a while -- not to his regular place, and certainly not to his weekend place over in Jeninville. He's always inviting us; it'll be good to catch up with him after all this time. So as soon as we've cleared away the dishes, I get Cousin Izzy on the phone, tell him we want to come by -- the sooner, the better. Cousin Izzy says, "Why?" No special reason, I tell him -- we just miss seeing him, and we're looking forward to spending a few days with him, that's all. That's not completely true. Not that we don't miss him, and not that we're not looking forward to it. But there's more to it than that. I'm worried about him. I've been worried about him ever since I heard from Uncle Kofi, who heard it from somebody who heard it from somebody else: Cousin Izzy's been acting peculiar lately. Uncle Kofi says Cousin Izzy's been getting really peeved at strangers coming onto his property and tramping through his garden. First he just shouted at them to get out, and when that didn't work, he turned the hose on them. (And you know how angry he must have been, to use the water when there's always such a shortage down there!) Anyway, things finally got so bad, with these trespassers throwing rocks through his windows and splattering paint -- and worse -- all over his door, that Cousin Izzy grabbed that old rifle of his and started shooting at them! Depending on your point of view, either the trespassers were hoodlums who got what they deserved, or Cousin Izzy went too far. I figured it was worth going down there to see for ourselves. "Not right now," Cousin Izzy says. "I'm busy." Not right now, I agree -- but how about next week? "Maybe next week," he tells me. "But not on Saturday. Sunday, maybe -- call first." And he hangs up the phone! That's not like Cousin Izzy, so I call him right back. If he doesn't want us there on Saturday, I tell him, fine; we'll come Sunday. Or if Sunday's too soon, we'll wait until Monday -- whatever works. Just so we don't have to wait too long. "You're coming for sightseeing?" he asks me. Of course not, I tell him; we just want to enjoy his company. Naturally, we may want to look around a bit while we're there, just to -- "There's nothing," he says. "A total waste of time is what it is." Fine, I tell him: no sightseeing. The important thing is for all of us to be together. "Your daughter," he says. "She's bringing that boyfriend of hers? From Europe?" We hadn't really thought about it, I tell him. Sometimes he comes along on family trips, sometimes he doesn't. "He comes, my door is locked," Cousin Izzy says. "I know what he says about me, that whole crowd of his. I won't have him in my home, I swear to you!" We won't bring the boyfriend, I tell him. "And no cameras," he says. "The place is a mess." No cameras. "I've got doctor's appointments. And laundry. Next week is no good. Next month, maybe -- call first." And he hangs up again! I can take a hint. Posted 5/2/02. "Rick's"
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Rick Horowitz
