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Influence, at 36,000 FeetBy Rick Horowitz "Good morning, folks, and welcome aboard Air Abramoff flight 247365, with Congressional Factfinder Service to St. Andrews and the Northern Mariana Islands, and convenient connections to anywhere else your hearts desire. "Connections are what Air Abramoff is all about, so if you'll finish stowing your golf clubs and swim fins in the overhead compartments and take your seats, we'll review some of the safety features found aboard this sleek and comfortable aircraft. The sooner you're all seated, the sooner we will be able to push back against legislation we want you to defeat. "By the way, feel free to use cell phones and other electronic devices until the cabin doors are closed prior to takeoff. Once the cabin doors are closed, there will be no need to use cell phones -- we have made sure that everyone you should be talking to is on board. "This aircraft is equipped with six emergency exits: two forward doors, two over the wings, one in the rear of the aircraft and one in the temporary loss of your short-term memory. Look around you now and locate the two exits closest to you, remembering that we have already given you plenty of large contributions, and we are prepared to give you even more. "Should power aboard this aircraft be interrupted for any reason, emergency lights will be illuminated along the floor of the cabin. If additional illumination is needed, you will be expected to generate your own power -- that shouldn't be hard for this bunch! "In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will appear from panels above your head; simply pull down on the cord to start the oxygen flowing, and breathe normally. Of course, there is no need to remind most of you to put on your own mask before attempting to help others. You are congressmen -- naturally you'll put on your own masks first. "Should there be a rise in journalist pressure, keep your seatbacks and backbones in their full upright and locked positions. No matter where you go, no matter how much you enjoy yourself while you're there, and no matter who picks up the bill for it, you're always doing the people's business. "In the unlikely event of an ethics investigation, you are on your own. "Loopholes may be used as flotation devices -- slip your arms through the congressional rule book and swear you had 'no idea.' Should you need additional buoyancy, simply blow hot air into a microphone to keep your head above water. Be sure not to inflate your egos until you are outside the aircraft. "As always, Air Abramoff offers our elite-level "Wined & Dined" passengers your choice of meals -- a well-fed lawmaker is a receptive lawmaker. You will have the option throughout the flight of three different gourmet entrees and our full beverage service. In the event you can't finish your meal or your beverage, your leftovers will be ejected from the aircraft over selected congressional districts as a show of concern for the little people. "During our flight, we ask you to keep your seatbelts fastened low and tight around your waist. Your captain will let you know when he thinks it is safe to move about the cabin, but we recommend that while you are in your seat, you think about how you can possibly repay us for our generosity. "We anticipate a smooth trip this morning, with only a few light bumps along the way and an on-time arrival. If there's anything we can do to make your flight even more enjoyable, just let us know -- we are here to serve you. "In the meantime, sit back, relax, and let Air Abramoff take you for a ride." Posted 5/5/05. Commentary
that always takes off -- click to "Rick's"!
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Rick Horowitz
