Time on his hands, politics on his mind

Bill Clinton, Strategist: He's Only Trying to Help

By Rick Horowitz

"Rriiinnng! Rriiinn -- "

"Whassup?!"

"Good morning. Kevin Niblick, please."

"I'm Kevin."

"This is the White House, Mr. Niblick. Please hold for a call from the president."

"Yeah, right. The president's got nothing better to do with his -- "

"Hey, Kevin, it's Bill Clinton! How's it going, young man?"

"Justin, is that you? I'm gonna get you in gym, you gnat, doing me like this!"

"No, really -- it's Bill Clinton! You are the Kevin Niblick who's running for sophomore-class president at Chutneyville High, aren't you?"

"So?"

"So I just wanted to say hello, see how the campaign's going, see if we can help you out."

"Omigod. You really are the president!"

"Well, I told you I -- "

"Ma! It's President Clinton! He's calling me about -- I so can't believe this is happening!"

"That's OK -- I know you weren't expecting it. Things looking pretty good so far? You're where you want to be?"

"I guess. I mean, yeah. The kid I'm running against -- "

"Brian Twindell."

"You know him?"

"I know who he is -- and I think you're the better candidate. Anyway, you were saying...?"

"Well, Brian's pretty much of a geek. I've got lots more friends than he does, you know? But people think he's pretty smart, and so they kinda respect him, too? So I don't know."

"And Chutneyville's a swing district, isn't it? One time it's the geeks who win everything, the next time, it's the cool kids."

"Yeah, I guess that's -- wait, how do you know all this stuff? I mean, nobody ever pays attention to Chutneyville. And you're the president!"

"Well, I try to keep track of things. People think I only care about Hillary's campaign and Al's campaign, but I'm trying to stay on top of every campaign I can, all over the country. By the way, our polling shows you're up by about five points -- that sound about right?"

"You've been doing polling? In Chutneyville?"

"Up five is good, but it's not in the bag for you yet. Who's doing your media?"

"My what?"

"Your media. You know, your TV spots, radio spots..."

"I'm in tenth grade? I don't have TV spots."

"Right. But you still have to get your message out, don't you?"

"I've got some posters -- does that count? My friend Nikki's this really great artist, you know? Like with computer graphics? And she put together these really awesome -- "

"'Chutneyville's Choice' -- yeah, I thought those were pretty good."

"You saw them?!"

"But I'd probably run your picture a little higher, and then maybe put the 'Chutneyville's Choice' in some funky typeface. You know, make Brian look even geekier."

"This is so weird! You're the president, and you're giving advice about high-school campaign posters? Aren't you supposed to be saving the country or something?"

"We've got that covered. Now, just walk me through this three-point 'Prom Platform' of yours. The first two sound fine, but I'm not sure you're hitting that third one as hard as -- "

"Look, I really gotta go. I appreciate all your help, but I'm gonna be late for class."

"It won't take a minute. And let me toss a few other ideas at -- "

"No, really. I gotta go."

"That's OK -- I'll call you back this afternoon. What time do you get home?"

"Ma!"

Posted 5/9/00. Here's a winning idea -- tell your friends about "Rick's"! They'll find fresh stuff right here twice every week. (So will you.)

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator and public speaker

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