 |
Microsoft has its own ideas Remedies? Who Needs Remedies?By Rick Horowitz
Not that they've done anything even vaguely wrong, you understand. Not that they'd ever dream of doing anything even vaguely wrong. They're the jaunty entrepreneurs of Microsoft, after all; they stand for everything that's good and noble, shining exemplars of the age-old drive to make a buck, or a billion. But. Maybe that cranky old judge won't see it quite that way. Maybe he'll decide, against all common sense, against the sworn testimony of William H. Gates himself(!), that Microsoft has misbehaved, that Microsoft needs to be: reined in. They can live with that -- as long as they get to design the reins. None of this break-'em-in-two stuff that the government lawyers keep pushing. "Dismemberment," the Microsofties call it. It's such an intemperate approach, and so hurtful! Hurtful to Microsoft, sure. But hurtful to the economy, and especially hurtful to consumers -- and isn't that why Microsoft is in this business in the first place? To help consumers? You betcha. So they've got some suggestions, Microsoft does, some "conduct remedies" they've offered up to make the playing field nice and level again. For instance? They're willing, they say, to let computer makers delete the icon for the Microsoft browser from computer desktops. They'll allow computer makers, they say, to display icons for non-Microsoft browsers and other non-Microsoft software. They'll stop requiring companies that want to do business with Microsoft to prove their worthiness by stiff-arming Microsoft's competitors. Those kinds of things. Any reasonable judge would be more than happy to accept Microsoft's suggestions and call the whole thing even, don't you think? (There is the tiny matter of enforcement, of course, but that's only because of this nagging feeling that when it comes working and playing well with others, Microsoft's promises haven't always matched Microsoft's actions, but anyway...) But what if this particular judge doesn't happen to think that these remedies go far enough? What if he somehow feels that Microsoft has to be reined in even more tightly, or even punished for past behavior? Well, Microsoft is perfectly willing to go the extra mile; that's just the kind of people they are. For instance? From now on, consumers wanting to use Microsoft's browser would have to triple-click on their mouse. To get to competitors' browsers, they'd only have to double-click -- an extremely generous concession. Microsoft would stop making life so difficult for consumers who try to use other non-Microsoft software, too. Microsoft would promise not to send high-voltage charges through the offenders' keyboards, nor would it announce to consumers who click on rivals' products, "You've got jail!" From now on, executives of companies looking to do business with Microsoft would be offered a full set of knee and elbow pads to make the groveling less painful. Bill Gates would be grounded for four consecutive weekends -- no parties, no conferences, no anything -- unless there's some really important meeting somewhere, in which case he can go to the meeting and come right home afterward, and he'll have to pick another weekend to be grounded, unless it's inconvenient for him. And no computer games in his room either. (That'll show him!) For one full year, the entire operating-systems team would have to wear ties to work. The entire applications team would be sent to bed without their spinach. And no more Mountain Dew in the employees' soda machines. And if all those remedies still aren't enough? There's the ultimate concession. Every piece of Microsoft software sold in the United States and around the world would carry the following message: "We're sorry if we hurt anyone's feelings, and we'll never do it again." Not that they've done anything even vaguely wrong, you understand. Posted 5/11/00. You
won't be doing anything wrong if you spread the word about "Rick's"
-- fresh stuff right here twice every week!
|
  |
Rick Horowitz