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Help wanted Plugging the Hole, One Way or AnotherBy Rick Horowitz
"I'm here about the job." "And you would be...?" "Available." "Available." "Absolutely -- I can start any time you want." "Excellent. But if you don't mind my asking...?" "Go ahead, ask me anything -- you'll see." "Well, in that case..." "Sure." "What in heaven's name are you talking about?" "The job you had in the paper -- I saw the announcement. 'Desperate to Stop Illegals.' You know, from Mexico and everywhere? I can help." "Well, that's very kind of you, but actually, we had a somewhat different applicant pool in mind. You've heard of Lockheed Martin?" "Sure! Everybody's heard of -- " "And Northrop Grumman? And Raytheon?" "Of course." "Well, those are the kind of firms we've invited to help us. Very experienced. Very high-tech." "Very expensive." "Well, yes. But you get what you pay for, don't you? Give or take a billion here or there. And when you're looking at something as vital as securing our borders -- " "But that's what I mean -- I've already done that!" "You've done border security?" "For three years, yes sir." "And you were stationed...?" "In Children's Books to start with. And then in Adult Non-Fiction -- they said it was like a promotion." "So -- let me get this straight: You did security at Borders." "You bet." "Borders the bookstore." "And CDs. Don't forget the CDs." "Of course not! How could we possibly forget the CDs?" "See?" "And -- pardon me for asking, but -- this makes you qualified...how?" "Actually, I was kind of hoping you'd tell me." "Naturally." "I figured maybe if they're trying to sneak into the country with things they didn't pay for -- you know, like a book light or something? 'Cause I could always tell when somebody was doing something they shouldn't be -- it was like a sixth sense." "I'm sure it was. Well, it was good of you to stop by, but I'm afraid there's been some misunderstanding. We're not looking to catch shoplifters -- " "You're not?!" "No. I mean, yes, we're always looking to -- I mean that catching shoplifters isn't our primary mission. Our primary mission is stopping hundreds of thousands of foreigners from entering the United States illegally." "Sure." "And that means cutting-edge surveillance, plus miles and miles of triple-layered fencing, plus plenty of boots on the ground, plus -- " "Well, why didn't you say so? That's right up my alley!" "You sold boots." "Better than that -- I was on the fencing team!" Posted 5/18/06. For
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Rick Horowitz
