Trying to hit the right note

West Coast Story

By Rick Horowitz

Act I: The Oval Office. The president is seated behind his desk. The vice president is seated behind the president. The president looks glum.

Dubya: Golly, Dick, this California power thing is turning into a crisis! I have to go out there pretty soon -- isn't there something we can do for all those people?

Dick: They're Californians, Mr. President -- they didn't even vote for you. Besides, we've already come up with a perfectly good energy plan.

Dubya: Perfectly good if you're an energy company, you mean. (Sighs.) I guess we'll always have to do what the energy guys want us to do.

Dick: Mr. President, that's what democracy's all about:

When you're in debt,
You're in debt all the way,
They elected you, now
They expect you to play.
When you're in debt,
They say "Jump!" and you jump,
Let 'em drill where they want
And strike gold at the pump.

They put us in charge,
But not to regulate 'em,
They're coming up large,
Who cares if hippies hate 'em?
We'll celebrate 'em!

When you're in debt,
You look out for your friends,
You're a link in a chain
And the chain never ends --
And the chain...gravy train...never ends!

Act II: The White House Situation Room. The president is sitting at a table. The president's pollster is pacing in front of a flip chart filled with numbers.

Pollster: ...and of course it's even worse since they heard about the arsenic.

Dubya: So what are you saying here? I need to do some quick environmental repositioning?

Pollster: Mr. President, I couldn't have put it better myself:

Too right,
Too right,
You can't appear too right,
You'd like to, but you can't go that far.
Too right,
Too right,
Your polls will drop from sight,
Then you're cooked -- "Adios!" "Au revoir!"

I'd say
The way to solve the riddle
Is moving to the middle,
You'll spare yourself a fight.

Oh soon
Your might
Will grow as long as you don't alight
Too right!

Act III: A national park in California. The president is wearing casual clothes, and he's reading a speech before a cluster of cameras.

Dubya: ...and in conclusion -- well, maybe I can sum it up this way:

Sequoia,
I'm standing beneath a Sequoia,
I don't look quite as mean,
I'm looking almost green,
For free.
Sequoia,
I'm talking about a Sequoia,
It's been here for an age,
It's such a perfect stage
For me.

Sequoia,
Let it grow, it's so strong and able.
(Cut it down, it's a really neat table!)
Sequoia,
I'm posing beneath a Sequoia!!

Posted 5/31/01. Someday, streaming video! In the meantime, get all the words you need right here at "Rick's"! (He'll leave you humming.)

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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