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Bad people Those Telltale SignsBy Rick Horowitz Subtle business, this international terrorism -- which is why it's such a relief to know that Congress, master of all things subtle, is on the job. If it weren't for Congress, after all, we wouldn't have had a blue-ribbon commission spending the past two years looking into the dangers foreign terrorists pose to the American way of life. And we certainly wouldn't have a brand-new 64-page report chock-full of recommendations for heading the terrorists off at the pass. "The threat is changing," says the commission's chairman, "and it's becoming more deadly." Which, of course, is why you'll want to be especially worried if Ahmed or Rosario decide to change their majors. And you say, "Huh?" And I say, "Exactly." Seems these blue-ribbon thinkers have been thinking in all sorts of creative directions. Fewer restrictions on the investigative powers of the FBI and the CIA, for instance, to let them check out suspicious types more easily, or even recruit more informants who might have "unsavory" backgrounds. Increased pressure on other governments to crack down on terrorists operating on their soil. Closer scrutiny of possible terrorist fundraising efforts right here at home. A lead role for the US military, rather than the FBI or FEMA, should a terrorist attack actually occur here. And then there's my personal favorite: tracking of all foreign students studying in the United States. "A small minority," the blue ribbons warn, "may exploit their student status to support terrorist activity." We can't have that. So the ribbons want the federal government to watch out for any peculiar moves by any of these supposedly studious types from Somewhere Else. Changing majors, say. Changing majors could be very significant. Such as? A foreign student switching from English literature to nuclear physics, the ribbons say; that should definitely set off the alarm bells. I told you it was a subtle business. Right now you're probably wondering just how common that is -- changing majors from English lit to nuclear physics -- among foreign students, or even among healthy, normal, red-blooded Americans, who would never dream of vaporizing a government building. You're probably also wondering just how comfortable you are with the idea of the feds keeping tabs on student course selection coast to coast, even if the particular students being tabbed are only lowly foreigners, with accents and occasionally questionable skin tones. But mostly you're wondering how you can get yourself one of these commission gigs. You're thinking you can come up with warning signs that are every bit as useful as the ribbons' warning signs, and in a lot less than two years. For instance: * Does the foreign student's dorm room smell of dirty laundry, or of ammonium nitrate? The former is perfectly normal, the latter means he's probably a terrorist -- or an ag student. * Does the foreign student spend his spare time shopping for timing devices and detonator caps? * Is the foreign student the only one in your sorority house with her own collection of surface-to-air missiles? * When you invite the foreign student to join you at the campus snack bar, does she reply, "Catch you later -- I have to blow up a few things first." * When the foreign student attends varsity athletic events, does he shout, "Fight, team, fight!" or "Death to millions!"? * Is the foreign student's senior project entitled, "American Jihad: An Explosive Response to the Evils of the Great Satan"? Any one of these could be exactly the kind of sophisticated, understated clue you need to break up a terrorist cell right there on campus! This is blue-ribbon thinking, every bit of it -- and you're just getting started. Posted 6/6/00. Blue
ribbons? No. But Rick's stuff wins lots of plaques with very nice engraving.
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Rick Horowitz