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Ubiquitous. (Ridiculous.) 57 Channels, One Thing OnBy Rick Horowitz
"Honey?" he said, his first word of the morning, and right away she knew there was a problem. Ken and Gwen Van Tinyden weren't "Honey?" kind of people. They loved each other just as much now as when they first met 22 years ago, just as much as when they moved nine years later into this pleasant little house at 123 Dutch Elm Drive. They simply didn't go in for the sorts of lovey-dovey names that some couples use for one another. So when she heard him say "Honey?" she readied herself for the worst. It wasn't quite as bad as all that. Not right away, at least. "Honey?" he said. "Has the TV been acting...strange lately?" "Strange? How do you mean?" "I don't know. Different. Weird." And he proceeded to tell her how he'd been downstairs doing his exercise routine with the treadmill and the remote, burning off calories and clicking through the programs, when he noticed something unusual. "I think I saw Hillary Clinton again." "On TV?" "On TV. With Katie Couric." Gwen Van Tinyden considered her husband's account for a moment. He was a fine man. A caring father, and a good provider. A rock. On the other hand, there were times when he seemed a bit edgy. It wasn't so much that he'd get really rattled -- more that he'd wobble just a bit. She wondered if this was going to be one of those times. She kept her answer mild. "Must be that book of hers. I thought you said she was with Barbara Walters." "Barbara Walters was before. Katie Couric was this morning. And yesterday." "You didn't say anything about yesterday." "I didn't want to worry you." And with that, Gwen Van Tinyden started to worry. Ken Van Tinyden wasn't entirely calm himself. His exercise routine was supposed to relax him. These past few days, though, he'd step off the treadmill more agitated than when he began. Without the TV on, he'd be bored silly. But with the TV on... "And Larry King. Last night." "You saw Hillary Clinton on Larry King?" "It's nothing to get upset about," he said. He wasn't sure it was nothing to get upset about, but he'd heard that fragile, here-we-go-again note creep into her voice, and he was determined to reassure her. Behind his tight smile, meanwhile, he scolded himself: He never should have brought it up in the first place. Not Larry King. Not any of them. But he had to tell somebody, didn't he? He wasn't the type to obsess over politicians, or celebrities, let alone celebrity politicians. If Hillary Clinton wanted to write a book, that was her own business. He had no intention of buying it or reading it, but she was free to write it. She was even free to go on TV to talk about it. Somehow, though, things had started spinning out of control. "Anyplace else?" "Huh?" He'd been lost in his thoughts. Gwen was probing, trying not to alarm him. Trying not to alarm herself. "Have you seen her anyplace else?" "History Channel," he said, his eyes downcast, his voice no more than a murmur. "Well, that's perfectly -- " "Discovery Channel. Travel Channel." "Oh, Ken!" "Weather Channel, Golf Channel, Animal Planet, Comedy Central..." Posted 6/10/03. The
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Rick Horowitz
