Step by step, inch by inch...

Peace Deal: It's All a Question of Timing

By Rick Horowitz

Step 1: Yugoslav and NATO officials sign a "Military Technical Agreement" setting forth a timetable for the withdrawal of Serbian forces from Kosovo and an end to hostilities. Within 24 hours of signing the agreement, Serbian forces must undertake a demonstrable withdrawal of significant numbers of troops from "Zone 3," in northern Kosovo. In addition, Serbian forces must suspend all military flights and shut down all radar and anti-aircraft systems.

Step 2: Upon verification of a demonstrable withdrawal of significant numbers of Serbian troops from "Zone 3," NATO to consider suspension of further bombing of Yugoslav targets. NATO peacekeeping operations (KFOR) to take up positions just outside borders of Kosovo. President Clinton to take up position at Rose Garden podium.

Step 3: Upon suspension of further NATO bombing, United Nations Security Council to consider a resolution authorizing entry of KFOR into Kosovo. Russian and Chinese delegates to be given twenty (20) minutes each to fulminate about NATO overreaching and threats to national sovereignty. Upon completion of Russian/Chinese fulmination period, resolution to be approved.

Step 4: Within three (3) days of signing of agreement, Yugoslav forces must remove all radar and anti-aircraft systems from Kosovo. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright must appear on no fewer than two (2) and no more than seven (7) talk shows to express "cautious optimism" about pace of Serbian withdrawal. Gloating will be permitted with prior approval of Supreme NATO Commander.

Step 5: Within four (4) days of signing of agreement, former president Jimmy Carter will travel to Kosovo to verify that Serbian troop withdrawal is underway throughout the province. Former president George Bush will parachute into Kosovo to test Serbian claims that all anti-aircraft systems have been removed.

Step 6: Within six (6) days of signing of agreement, all Serbian troops must be withdrawn from "Zone 1," in southern Kosovo, to be replaced by KFOR troops. Congressional Republicans opposed to funding KFOR will propose alternate funding of WHATFOR, to provide ongoing criticism of "Bill Clinton's War" despite temporary setback of Serbian capitulation. Rep. Tom DeLay will make demonstrable effort to withdraw foot from mouth.

Step 7: Upon verification of withdrawal of all Serbian troops from "Zone 1," First Lady Hillary Clinton will conduct non-political "Refugee Appreciation" event at Statue of Liberty, in New York Harbor. New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani will conduct competing non-political "Rudy Appreciation" event at Yankee Stadium.

Step 8: Within nine (9) days of signing of agreement, all Serbian forces must be withdrawn from "Zone 2," in central Kosovo, to be replaced by KFOR troops. Monica Lewinsky book tour to arrive in Belgrade.

Step 9: By the end of eleven (11) days after signing of agreement, all Serbian forces must be withdrawn from all of Kosovo, to be replaced by KFOR troops. During departure from Kosovo, Serbian forces are forbidden to commit "hostile or provocative acts" against any person. Kosovo Liberation Army will refrain from attacking Serbian troops as they withdraw. Pigs will fly.

Step 10: Upon completion of withdrawal of all Serbian troops, a limited number of Serb forces and congressional Republicans will be permitted to reenter Kosovo to help locate and defuse land mines.

Step 11: Within thirty (30) days of signing of agreement, Al Gore is permitted to resume breathing, cease referring to himself as "Hubert."

Step 12: At time and place of his choosing, Slobodan Milosevic will declare victory in Kosovo, begin planning next threat to peace and security in Europe.

Posted 6/11/99. Tell your friends and neighbors!

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