 |
Making nice Crotchety Tomorrow, Comity TonightBy Rick Horowitz Have you ever seen a friendlier scene? I'm talking about the United States Senate, of course, where life has lately come unstuck. The outs are now the ins, the ins are now the outs -- a recipe for hard feelings if ever there was one. But no: Everybody's been handling the sudden shift of fortune with excruciating good grace. From the Democrats, nothing but humility. From the Republicans, nothing but sportsmanship. (Well, there was that unfortunate moment when Trent Lott called for "war," and questioned the math and moral authority of the Democratic majority -- but that was just a blip.) To hear them tell it, things in "the world's greatest deliberative body" will be pretty much the way they've always been, only better. More cooperative. More bipartisan. To hear them tell it. Of course, some of the gentle words aren't quite as gentle as they seem. In fact, it probably wouldn't hurt to have a translator standing by as the rhetoric starts to flow. A translator, and a pair of hip boots. There's what they'll say, and there's what they'll mean. For instance: "We Democrats have been given an historic opportunity to serve the American people, an opportunity we undertake with solemnity of purpose and an appreciation of the great traditions of this wonderful institution." "We want you out of those committee offices by midnight." "We Republicans look forward to working with our brethren on the other side in a spirit of true partnership for the good of the nation." "Don't even think about pushing us around." "This isn't about power, it's about making the government more responsive to the needs of ordinary Americans." "Thought Teddy Kennedy was washed up, didn't you?" "While the Democrats may be taking over the committee chairmanships, we're confident they'll respect our prerogatives where critical legislation is concerned." "You think we won't filibuster if we have to?" "If we put the people's business first, then neither we nor the Republicans will get bogged down in the petty squabbles of the past." "Do you like hearings? We like hearings." "We hope that our Democrat friends will treat President Bush's judicial nominations every bit as fairly as we treated President Clinton's judicial nominations." "Please God, let them all have amnesia!" "Under these extraordinary circumstances, it's all the more vital that we extend an olive branch to our Republican colleagues." "OK, so it's a two-by-four." "We'll still be pushing the issues we Republicans think are most essential, but we're certainly prepared to reach across the aisle." "Give me back my gavel!" "We know we have to convince the voters that we're worthy of their trust, and we'll be working hard to do just that." "Arctic drilling? Forget about it." "We're still totally committed to the president's agenda, though we realize some of it may be harder to accomplish." "Arctic drilling? Forget about it." "What's most important now is that we all look ahead as 'Americans,' not as 'Democrats' or 'Republicans.'" "Strom Thurmond is 98 years old." "What's most important now is that we all look ahead as 'Americans,' not as 'Democrats' or 'Republicans.'" "All it takes is one indictment." "I yield the floor to the distinguished minority leader." "Loser!" "I thank the majority leader for yielding." "Thief!" Posted 6/12/01. Let
your fingers do the voting -- click on "Rick's" for the best in political
satire!
|
  |
Rick Horowitz
