Farewell, "Sopranos"!

Nature Calls, Millions Fret

By Rick Horowitz

Look, I ain't sayin' it's the weirdest thing ever happened to anyone ever. I'm just sayin' it's weird, OK?

This is Sunday night. I been away a couple days on business, now I'm back in Jersey and I got, you know, like an urge, so I drive over to Bloomfield, to Holsten's.

That ain't the weird part. I'm over there every couple weeks -- ice cream, or those onion rings which are to die for, or just a quick cup of coffee or whatever.

So OK, so I get to Holsten's and I'm sittin' at the counter, which is what I always do when I'm by myself, because what kind of a jerk takes up a whole booth when he's by himself? Not that there aren't jerks who'd do exactly that, don't get me wrong, and I seen 'em more than a couple times over the years, but what are you gonna do? Live and let live, that's how I look at it.

So anyways, I'm sittin' at the counter and I'm lookin' around, just like always, just seein' do I recognize anyone. A neighborhood place like that, sometimes you do. But not a soul. Except for this one guy, this fat guy sittin' at one of the booths with his wife -- or who I figure is his wife anyway -- and his kid, the kid comes in the same time I do. I think maybe I know him from somewhere -- not the kid, the guy -- maybe on the news, I dunno.

This guy, though, even if he's by himself, he'd need a booth. He's so fat, he tries to sit at a counter, he'd fall right off the stool!

So anyways, I gotta pee. It's this bladder thing, my doc says it's nothin' to worry about and take your pills, except meantime I gotta go pee about a million times a day. So I get up and I head for the john, and I go right past the booths and past the fat guy with his wife and his kid, and I'm still thinkin' he looks familiar, only I still can't place him.

Which still ain't the weird part. Now comes the weird part.

I open the door to the john, OK? And behind the door there's like a thousand people standin' there! They're so hopped up, they're practically bouncin' off the walls -- talk about a mob! And it's like -- it's like they're expectin' me!

"You're gonna whack him, right?"

"They stashed a gun in the toilet and you're gonna whack him, right?"

"It's just like in 'The Godfather'!"

"I knew it! I knew it! Tony gets whacked!"

I got no idea what they're talkin' about. Whackin' somebody? Tony who? And anyways, how's any of this my problem?

My problem's with my bladder, which I keep tryin' to tell 'em, but they're not buyin' it. They keep insistin' I'm on some kinda job, maybe for some guy named Phil, or for some Russians in the woods, or for Arab terrorists, or whatever, and I'm supposed to blow away this Tony guy, whoever he is, or maybe even his whole family.

"Look," I say to 'em for like the tenth time, "I gotta use the john -- that's all." And then I say to 'em, "You can believe whatever you wanna believe, but if you don't stop -- "

And that's when the lights go out. Every light in the whole place.

Like I said, weird.

You ever try peein' in the dark?

Posted 6/12/07. Get award-winning commentary from Emmy-winning Rick!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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