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Explosive situation They're Around Here SomewhereBy Rick Horowitz Don't you just hate it when you lose your nuclear-weapons secrets? Me and the missus, we hate it more than practically anything. We've been watching what's been going on over at Los Alamos, and we know exactly what they're going through. Every time it happens to us, it's such a pain. I'm not talking about when you just put your nuclear secrets down someplace because the phone rings or somebody's at the door, and then you forget where you left them for a minute or two. That happens all the time around here -- no big deal. I'm talking about the other kind, when you have absolutely no idea where you put the things, and they're not in any of the obvious places either. That's when it gets kind of annoying. I remember this one time it happened to us -- this was probably the worst time -- it was a couple of years ago, and me and the missus and Jason and Boom-Boom were living in those garden apartments over on Mushroom Court. (Not the new ones they just built, the other ones.) Anyway, one morning I'm getting ready to take Oppenheimer over to the doggie run and I'm sitting there on the bed putting on my special jogging socks, and I realize that I hadn't noticed my nuclear secrets in the sock drawer. I've been keeping them in the back of the sock drawer ever since I can remember. Maybe it's not as secure as keeping them locked up inside a suitcase inside a vault at Los Alamos. (Then again, maybe it is.) But it's where I always keep them, except that this particular morning, I don't see them there. I figure maybe the missus knows. "Honey, have you seen my nuclear secrets?" She's downstairs, making breakfast for the kids. She shouts back up to me, "Have you checked the sock drawer?" So I check it one more time, and behind the sock drawer, too, just to be sure. I don't see them anywhere. "I don't see them anywhere!" "Then I don't know!" I try to figure out the last time I actually laid eyes on my nuclear secrets. Weeks can go by sometimes -- mostly I just see a lump under the socks, it all depends on how full the drawer is. I'm thinking three weeks at least, maybe even a month. That's a long time to be missing nuclear secrets, especially if they've fallen into the wrong hands. We could be talking nuclear disaster here -- can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? I check the house top to bottom -- upstairs, downstairs, even the basement. Then, just on a hunch, I ask the kids if they know anything about it. Jason says, "No way!" But Boom-Boom looks down at his shoes and he says in this tiny little voice, "I don't think so." "You don't think so?" Come to find out that Boom-Boom had some friends over a while back and he's showing off the way kids do, and he decides to show them his Dad's nuclear secrets. So he brings them down from the bedroom and everyone gets to hold them for a minute. Then they all go off skateboarding or something, and Boom-Boom leaves the secrets on the coffee table, and when he comes back, they're gone. He says he figures I must have come home while he was out, seen the secrets and put them away myself. Me, I figure he was scared to death when he saw them missing, and he decided not to say anything. Of course, that only makes it harder to find them, but it's exactly what you'd expect from a 10-year-old. Anyway, I'm getting ready to give him a good scolding when suddenly Oppie starts barking like crazy and scratching at the front door like he has to get out right this minute. "I think he's trying to tell us something!" Jason shouts, so we all follow Oppie out and around behind the apartments, and he starts digging and digging and before long, he's dug my nuclear secrets right out of the ground! "I guess they didn't fall into the wrong hands after all," the missus says, and Boom-Boom says, "Oppie doesn't have any hands -- he's got paws!" We all had a good laugh at that one, and then we went for ice cream. I'll bet they're not eating ice cream at Los Alamos. Posted 6/16/00. Fresh
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Rick Horowitz