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Ditching the President Breaking Out is Hard to DoBy Rick Horowitz "Everything changes when I become a candidate." Al Gore "Rrriinnngg! Rrriinnn -- " "Hello?" "Hey, Al! This is Bill! How ya doin'?" "Bill." "Bill Clinton! President of the United States? Your friend? Your compadre? Your -- " "Oh, that Bill! Sorry, Mr. President -- didn't recognize your voice. Must be a bad connection or something. Europe treating you OK?" "Just fine, Al. Just fine. Look, I just wanted to call to congratulate you on the announcement. I thought you did a great job with the speech, and no matter how it looks right now, I'm sure you're gonna win this thing." "Well, that's very kind of you, Mr. President. I'm looking forward to getting out there and letting the people know what I stand for." "I wish I could have been there with you -- you know that, don't you?" "That's OK, Mr. President. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now." "No, really -- I wish I could have been there with you." "No, really, Mr. President! It's OK that you weren't here." "Embarrassed to be seen with the old guy, are you?" "I wouldn't -- I wouldn't say that. It's more like, if you're going to run for this job, you really can't be stuck in someone else's shadow anymore, you know? You have to get out there with your own issues and your own values and -- " "'Family' values, right? You kept talking about the 'family,' I lost count how many times you tossed it in there." "Well, I -- " "I assume you ran it past the focus groups first?" "Family's always been important to me, Mr. President. And to Tipper, too. I just thought it was a good time to remind people where I stand on that." "Unlike some other politicians you could name." "I didn't say anything about -- " "Hey, don't worry about it! I'd have done exactly the same thing. You want 'em to know you're your own man, with your own way of doing things. Even if it does come across as a little boring." "Say what?" "I think you're right, though. The country's probably ready to be bored right about now. Anyway, if you want the whole world to know you don't approve of the way I conducted myself in the Oval Office, and that you'd never conduct yourself that way, you go right ahead and tell 'em." "That's not what I -- " "Diane Sawyer, too. Tell 'em all -- it's fine with me." "That's not what I said! I just said, considering everything and all the wasted time and things, I just thought it was -- " "'Inexcusable.' I know. And it's not like you never said it before." "Exactly!" "I'm not sure you ever said it in prime time before." "Well..." "The economy's not 'inexcusable,' isn't it? You're not gonna say the economy's 'inexcusable,' are you?" "Of course not." "I didn't think so. I was just curious, you telling those reporters about all these policy disagreements you supposedly had with me, I guess none of those had to do with the economy." "I guess not." "Only the unpopular stuff, right? Whatever those turn out to be. Those were the ones you disagreed about, right?" "I'm going to have to go, Mr. President -- we've got another event in 20 minutes, and I know you're really busy, too." "You just do what you have to do, Al. I understand completely." "No hard feelings?" "How's that?" "I said, 'No hard feelings?'" "I can't hear you, Al -- must be a bad connection or something." Posted
6/18/99. Make Rick's your satire connection twice a week --
you'll be glad you did!
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