 |
God, out of bounds They Haven't Got a PrayerBy Rick Horowitz "Nuclear secrets turn up behind the copying machine. New charges of gouging at the gas pump. And the presidential candidates want you to retire wealthy. But our top story of the week here on 'News Schmooze': The Supreme Court bans student-led prayer at high-school football games. Marcia?" "Our top story indeed, Tony, because here to discuss the High Court's ruling and its implications, a very special guest: the Lord Almighty Himself. Welcome to 'News Schmooze,' God." "A pleasure to be here, Marcia." "Is it OK to call You 'God'? I don't want to take Your name in vain or anything." "'God' is fine. 'Jehovah,' 'Yahweh,' 'The Eternal One', 'The Great Continuous' -- " "'The Great Continuous'? Isn't that one of Shaquille O'Neal's nicknames?" "Where do you think he got it?" "I see. Anyway, speaking of sports, I assume by now you've read the Supreme Court's decision in this high-school prayer case?" "I get the executive summaries, Marcia. I'm also All-Knowing." "Of course You are! I guess I'm a little flustered -- it's not every day I get to interview a Supreme Being." "Well, maybe you can get Diana Ross on sometime." "But she never does this kind of -- oh, I get it! That's like a joke!" "Like." "You know, God, I'm really impressed with how down to earth You are, especially for a heavenly figure. I can see why people at high-school football games might want to pray to You." "They already do, Marcia -- that's the thing you have to remember." "They do?" "Absolutely. I'd say I've got at least half the players on both teams praying to Me. At every game, I mean -- in Santa Fe, Texas, and everywhere else. With some of them, it's your basic 'Let everyone perform to his God-given potential' kind of thing. With cornerbacks and safeties, it's a little more specific: 'Please, God, don't let 'em beat me deep!' It all depends." "And the Supreme Court's decision?" "Doesn't change that one iota. Same for the people in the stands -- if they want to put in a word with Me before the kickoff, or whenever, there's nothing stopping them. They can even choose the version of Me that makes them feel most inspired." "Instead of 'one-size-fits-all.'" "Marcia, I couldn't have said it better Myself. I'm sure they mean well, but do you think the people who enjoy being part of a public prayer to 'the Lord Jesus Christ' would feel the same way about a prayer that mentions Allah? Or Buddha? Or the God of the Jews?" "I imagine they'd be pretty uncomfortable." "Well then, how do you think the people who pray to those folks feel about having to sit through a prayer to Jesus when all they really want to do is come watch a football game?" "Well -- " "And understand, I've got nothing against Jesus -- He's like a son to Me." "So I've heard." "But He's not the only game in town. So to speak. Besides, high-school kids are under so much pressure to conform as it is, I'd sooner they find Me -- if they choose to find Me -- by their own route, and at their own pace. It'll mean more to them that way." "This latest decision, then -- it won't make You any less of a football fan?" "Marcia, I'll tell you a little secret: I've never been into football all that much anyway." "Not even in Texas? But I thought -- " "Synchronized swimming. I can't get enough of that stuff!" "Tony, back to you." Posted 6/20/00. Visiting
"Rick's" isn't quite a religious experience -- but it might be just
the answer to a satire lover's prayers!
|
  |
Rick Horowitz