Making every minute count

Chat Room? Not Much

By Rick Horowitz

I'm building up to it, that's all. Don't rush me.

While the rest of the civilized world has gone wonderfully, wickedly wireless, I'm still tethered to a piece of communications hardware that's connected to a wall. How primitive! How embarrassing!

How about cutting me a little slack, OK? I'm working on it.

It's just that it's hard for some of us to sort out all the various telephonic options and -- even more confusing -- all the various calling plans. What kind of minutes do I need? Weekday minutes? Weekend minutes? Primetime? Nighttime? Anytime minutes? And how many minutes? 500? 1,000? 2,000?

I'll work it out, I promise. But right now I've got other minutes on my mind.

Thirteen of them.

"Important Settlement Benefit Enclosed" -- that's what it said on the outside of the envelope, the envelope from my local phone company. My correspondence with my local phone company usually has a somewhat different tone to it. They don't send me "benefits," they send me "bills." I send them "money." The next month, we do it all over again.

This one was different, though; this one held the promise of -- dare I say it? -- my cash flow flowing upstream for a change. Great!

"Dear Customer: Enclosed is your Ameritech PrePaid Card with 13 free minutes of local and local toll calls. Ameritech is sending this benefit" -- there it was again! -- "to you as a qualified telephone account holder in partial fulfillment of the class-action settlement..."

And so forth. I didn't know there'd been a class-action settlement. I didn't even know there'd been a class action. Something about one of their maintenance services -- a little short on the service, I gather. So here they were, trying to make it up to each of us.

At 13 minutes a pop. I'm dizzy with the possibilities.

What can I do with 13 minutes? Let's see: With 13 minutes, I can call in for the weather forecast every Monday morning for three months. With 13 minutes, I can order up my favorite pizza from my favorite pizza place 6 1/2 times. Or I can spend 13 minutes on hold, waiting for some faceless, soulless bureaucrat to actually get on the line -- only this time, it won't cost me a dime!

There are a few restrictions on my 13 minutes, naturally. First restriction: No long-distance calls. (They may be sorry about their maintenance service, but they aren't crazy.) And if I happen to ignore their instructions and try to call long-distance anyway? They're ready for me. I'll hear a message: "This card is valid for local and local toll calls only." Fair enough.

Second restriction: My 13 minutes are only good "within the five-state Ameritech region," and only on Ameritech's own pay phones. Do you ever notice whose pay phone you're using when you use a pay phone? (Right, I forgot: You've evolved -- you don't bother with pay phones anymore.) I never notice whose pay phone I'm using. If I want to be totally effective with my 13 minutes, I guess I'll have to start paying closer attention.

Of course -- third restriction -- there are some numbers I can't call with my 13 minutes, even if I do find the right phones in the right states. I can't use my 13 minutes for 800 numbers. Or 877 numbers. Or 888 numbers. Or, for that matter, 911, 900, 950, 976, 411 or 555 numbers.

Which still leaves me plenty of options -- that's the way I'm looking at it.

Of course -- fourth restriction -- a partial minute is charged as a full minute, so I can forget about calling 39 of my closest local friends for 20 seconds apiece to tell them about this great deal that's fallen into my lap. Luckily, I don't have 39 close local friends, so this isn't as big a problem as it might be for someone else.

Maybe I can come up with 13 close local friends, and tell each of them about my great deal for a minute apiece. That last call could be risky, though. Apparently I'll get a one-minute warning when my card starts scraping bottom. But the very moment my final minute is over? Bye-bye, baby -- we are disconnected!

But who am I to complain? Who am I to look a gift card in the mouthpiece? I figure 13 minutes is 13 minutes.

Good thing I'm a fast talker.

Posted 6/21/01. Now's the time to call your friends -- tell them all about "Rick's"!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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©2001 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.