Binding resolutions

Because They Say So

By Rick Horowitz

WHEREAS the United States and its allies are engaged in a Global War on Terror, a long and demanding struggle against an adversary that is driven by hatred of American values and that is committed to imposing, by the use of terror, its repressive ideology throughout the world;

WHEREAS the central front in this Global War on Terror is currently in Iraq, for reasons we don't need to get into;

WHEREAS progress along this central front in the Global War on Terror has, from time to time, been somewhat more difficult than those geniuses in the Pentagon ever predicted;

WHEREAS the pace of progress has led certain Americans to doubt the strength of America's resolve, and even to question the leadership and judgment of the President of the United States;

WHEREAS questioning the leadership and judgment of the President of the United States can, if left unchallenged, result in questioning the leadership and judgment of other members of the President's party;

WHEREAS the year 2006 is an especially critical year for protecting the security interests of the United States in Iraq and around the world;

WHEREAS the year 2006 also happens to be a congressional election year;

WHEREAS we like it here; and

WHEREAS we're prepared to do whatever it takes to stay here: Now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED, That the House of Representatives -

(1) Honors all those Americans who have taken an active part in the Global War on Terror, whether within the homeland or overseas;

(2) Honors the sacrifices of all who have fallen or have been wounded in defending freedom against the forces of global terrorism;

(3) Declares that there is nothing quite like the smell of fresh apple pie in the morning;

(4) Declares that the United States and its coalition partners will prevail in its struggle against the forces of global terrorism;

(5) Congratulates the President of the United States for his strong and courageous leadership in that struggle;

(6) Insists that neither we nor the President pays any attention to the polls, no matter how rotten the numbers may be;

(7) Thinks it would be really nice if gas prices came back down and the stock market went back up.

(8) Loves and respects our mothers, even if some people think that loving and respecting their mothers is old-fashioned and would rather cut and run from their mothers;

(9) Recognizes that we can load up a resolution like this with practically anything that comes into our heads, including provisions that many of our Democratic colleagues can't possibly vote for, and others that they can't possibly oppose;

(10) Sets up the rules so that the Democrats can't amend this resolution in any way, or even offer an alternative resolution, and that their only choices, therefore, are to vote for the President and his policies, or to vote against apple pie and motherhood;

(11) Laughs itself silly at the whole idea of putting the Democrats into a box and watching them squirm, when it's the people who dreamed up this Iraq adventure who ought to be squirming;

(12) Wishes we'd thought of it sooner.

Posted 6/22/06. Resolve to tell your friends to click to "Rick's"!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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